


A Boy Called Steve

by Dibsanddabs



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Adults, Blow Jobs, Children, Coming Out, Discussion of Abortion, Domestic, Foreplay, Friends to Lovers, Grieving, Hand Jobs, Hurt, M/M, Miscarriage, Oral Sex, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Slow Burn, Teenagers, Trans Male Character, Trans Steve Rogers, Transistioning, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-23
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-23 01:46:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 25,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4858493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dibsanddabs/pseuds/Dibsanddabs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve was a boy. Just the rest of the world didn't know it.</p><p>The story starts with Steve as a young boy forced to wear dresses, and follows him growing up and exploring what the world really wants from him.</p><p>(Check the notes at the end of each chapter for any trigger warnings)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Growing Up

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there  
> Normally I'd put triggers in the tags, but with this story that'll get a bit spoilery, so I'll be adding them to the end of each chapter as I go. I'll also add tags as I go, as although I have the basic story planned out the details are still being developed. I've marked this as explicit as it will have explicit scenes in later chapters, same for Bucky/Steve  
> As always, kudos gets love, comments get more love  
> Thanks for reading

Steve was a boy.

He’d known that for a long time, but he hadn’t been allowed to say it out loud. He’d tried a couple of times when he was young, but his ma had always told him not to be silly, this wasn’t a make-believe game. Eventually he’d stopped trying, she wouldn’t understand. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t like doing the girl things he was supposed to. His ma taught him how to sew and make the dresses he felt so uncomfortable in, how to clean the apartment properly and how to cook a meal for the husband he’d get one day. All skills that he was glad he’d learnt, and that helped him a lot in the coming years. But it still didn’t feel right. These were girl things to learn and no matter how much his ma told him otherwise, he knew he was a boy. 

Once when he was home alone he tried on some of his da’s old clothes that his ma hid in her closet. He’d only been about ten and the material hung off him comically, but looking in the mirror he decided he’d be a pretty good soldier. However when his ma did get home, she’d cried, telling him to get back into his dress and not to look through her private things. Steve didn’t try on his father’s clothes again.

There was one boy who did help though. When Steve was growing up he wanted to join in with the boys, play in the street no matter how rough and tumble it got. His ma would tell him it was too rough for a girl like him, but that didn’t make any sense. Bucky Barnes would let him play though, would tell the others to leave off and stop being mean. 

“Let Jessie play.” He’d said, standing up to the half dozen boys gathered in their street.

“But she’s a girl!” One of them had protested. “Girls don’t get to play ball!”

“Well she wants to play, and we need an numbers. So either you let her play or I’m going home.” That won the argument. Everyone liked Bucky, they wouldn’t let him go over a stupid girl. Steve had felt so relieved that he barely minded Bucky calling him a “she”. His ma disapproved but he started playing with the neighbourhood boys any time Bucky was there. They all called him Jessie, she, her, but it was an improvement. He could fix his own torn dresses, patch himself up so his ma didn’t worry. All in all it seemed to be going pretty well.

-

“If you keep inviting me here while you’re home alone, people are gonna talk.” Bucky warned, stepping into Steve’s apartment. 

Steve was fifteen, and was suffering through puberty in a way that the other boys would never have to. He’d cried the first time he’d felt the softness on his chest, although it never grew large he still knew it was there. His ma said that small breast ran in the family, but not to worry because no good boy would be looking anyway. It was a small blessing that Steve could get away without a bra, if he wore a large enough blouse then you couldn’t tell that he wasn’t flat-chested. He was bony enough that he didn’t have a “figure”, though he was still scared of filling in when he was older. 

“Well if I invite you here while ma’s here I’ll never hear the end of it.” Steve said with a huff. “You know how much she likes you.” 

“And what’s so bad about that.” Bucky teased with a smirk.

“Oh come on Buck, everyone thinks we’re sweethearts already. I don’t need my ma warning me away from you.” Steve moved through to the kitchen, getting a pan out to heat some water. “Or worse, start planning a wedding.” Steve shuddered. 

“Nice young girl like you, you should have your wedding planned yourself by now.” Bucky said, following him through. Steve bit his lip so as not to correct him.

“Well I don’t.” he said instead. “You know I’m gonna join the Marine Corps.” There were girls in the army, he’d read about it. He’d have to wear a skirt for formal occasions but the uniform was practical. He wanted to serve as a soldier with the rest of the men, but the women’s service would do. 

“That doesn’t mean you can’t have a husband.” Bucky said. “You should really, gonna be around all those wounded men who haven’t seen a woman in months. You’ll want a ring on your finger.”

“I’ll fight them off.” Steve said, wincing at the idea. “I don’t need a husband.” 

“Alright, alright.” Bucky said, raising his hands in surrender as Steve got a very small pot of coffee out of the cupboard. “Does your ma know you’re taking that?”

“I bought it.” Steve said. “My own money, I sold some drawings and I wanted to get something I’d use.” Bucky actually looked impressed at that.

“Why don’t you go into that? You’re good at art, you can do that here. No shipping overseas or hanging around soldiers.” Bucky said. Steve whipped round, pointing a wooden spoon at him.

“You are not here to keep me safe.” He said. “I can take care of myself, and I won’t invite you round any more if you keep up with that.” Bucky sighed but relented. 

“Fine.” He said. “Sorry. I just can’t stand the thought of you getting hurt.” 

“Don’t start getting all sweet on me Barnes.” Steve said, pouring the water into the mugs for their coffee, using as little as possible. “Just because the world thinks we’re courting doesn’t mean we are.” Bucky chuckled, taking his mug. They liked each other a lot, but Steve had made himself firmly off limits and Bucky respected that. 

“Whatever you say, doll.” Bucky teased, not managing to duck in time and getting a smack to the head with a wooden spoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for this chapter:  
> Misgendering, mild dysphoria  
> (Also, Steve's genitals are referred to using language such as clit and vagina for the whole fic, so if that could cause dysphoria for you then tread carefully)


	2. Coming Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there  
> Chapter Two already. I'd written most of this before I posted the first chapter, but the rest of them won't be up this quickly I'm afraid. Thanks for everyone who's already subscribed and kudos-ed and everything. Hope you like this one too. Like before, the TWs are in the notes at the end.  
> Thanks for reading

“I wish I could wear pants like you.” Steve said with a pout, sitting on the edge of Bucky’s bed as he patched up a badly scraped knee. They’d been lucky neither of their parents were home, or they’d both be getting an earful. Steve had stood up to some boys bullying a younger kid, Bucky had stepped in, Steve had been knocked to the ground and Bucky had taken a punch to the jaw that was turning into a dark bruise. “I wouldn’t get scraped knees if I could. And I could run much easier.” 

“Yeah well, you drew the wrong hand in life for pants.” Bucky said, wiping the graze with a cloth. With Steve at age sixteen this should probably be inappropriate, but they’d known each other too long to worry about Steve hiking up his skirt a little for Bucky to tend to a cut knee. “And they wouldn’t look nearly as good on you.” 

“You don’t know that.” Steve pointed out. “You’ve never seen me in pants. I bet I’d look better than you do if you let me try yours on.” 

Bucky pulled back to raise an eyebrow at him. “If you wore my pants they’d fall straight off you.”

“You’re not that much bigger than me.” Steve had said with a roll of his eyes.

“Are you kidding. You’re like five foot and fifty pounds.” Bucky said. 

“I’m seventy five pounds.” Steve said with a huff. “And I could wear a belt. I bet I’d look way better than in these stupid skirts.” Steve was aware his mouth was getting away from him, he had a tendency to say things without thinking too much about them. Bucky smirked.

“Fine.” He said. “You can try my pants on. And you’ll see that they don’t fit round your skinny waist and you look much prettier in the dress you made.” Steve saw the hint of pity in Bucky’s eyes. Bucky thought that Steve didn’t think he was pretty enough, too angular and opinionated for the boys to ask him on dates. Bucky tried to make up for it, telling Steve he was one of the prettiest girls out there, and Steve didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was making it worse.

“Really?” Steve said, his eyes lighting up. 

“I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it.” Bucky said, securing a dressing over Steve’s knee. “But don’t blame me when you realise that you’re not made for men’s clothes.” He stood up and walked towards his bedroom door. “Tell me when you’re done.” He left the room, leaving Steve with free reign over his wardrobe. Sure there weren’t many clothes in there, but it was like Christmas had come early.

Steve pulled his dress off, deciding that he’d have to leave his bloomers on. It didn’t feel right but needs must. He pulled on Bucky’s second work pants, making sure not to touch his good ones for church. He had to pull one of Bucky’s belts to the smallest hole, one cut in from when Bucky was younger, but he got the pants to stay up. They were baggy, but they were still on. He couldn’t let Bucky in like this though, the other boy would think he was mad for letting him see his bare chest. He pulled one of Bucky’s shirts on as well, also way too big even tucked into the pants. Steve turned to look at himself in the mirror.

The moment must have passed quickly, because Steve was still staring in the mirror when Bucky knocked on the door. He’d scraped his hair back from his face, trying to imagine how it would look cropped short like Bucky’s was.

“You still in there Jess?” Bucky called through. “Get lost in the closet?” 

“I’m not in the closet.” Steve said back, his voice quieter than he’d thought it would be. He swallowed hard, trying to force his vocal chords to work around the lump building in his throat. “You can come in.” Bucky would worry otherwise.

Bucky opened the door, looking Steve over. “See I told you-…” He trailed off as he saw the expression on Steve’s face, the watery eyes and the slight tremble of his lip. “Jessie, what’s wrong?”

Steve couldn’t hold it back any longer. He burst into tears. 

“Oh, oh no Jess. Don’t cry.” Bucky said, walking forward and wrapping his arms around his friend. “Tell me what’s wrong.” 

“Nothing’s wrong.” Steve mumbled between hiccupping sobs. 

“Then why the water works?” Bucky asked, genuinely distressed, wondering if this was his fault. Steve bit his lip. Bucky was his friend, he wouldn’t tell anyone, but he might never speak to Steve again. But having had that look in the mirror, Steve wasn’t sure he could go back to no one knowing. 

“Because this is what I’m supposed to be.” He whispered, sentence getting interrupted by a sob but still getting through.

“You’re not making sense.” Bucky said. “What are you supposed to be?”

“A boy!” Steve blurted out. “I’m not a girl Buck, I don’t want to be a girl. I’ve been pretending all this time but it’s not who I am.” He pressed his face into Bucky’s chest, sobs not dying down yet. 

Bucky didn’t push him away, holding him still and stroking his back. That much Steve was grateful for. He let him cry it out before asking any questions. When Steve was just sniffling, eyes red but drying, Bucky brought him over to sit on the bed. 

“I don’t understand what you said there, doll.” He said softly. “What do you mean you’re not a girl? You’ve got to be.” 

“But I’m not.” Steve said, trying to work out how to phrase it better. “I just… I know I ain’t got the parts to be a boy, but I know I am one anyway.” He wiped at his eyes, looking down to where his feet only just touched the ground. “I just know.” 

“Well what is there to being a boy that ain’t about the parts?” Bucky asked. Bucky and Jessie had been best friends for years, and obviously Bucky didn’t want to lose that without understanding first. 

“Well it’s the things you get to do, and the way you feel about things.” Steve said, still not looking up. 

“Jessie…” Bucky said, seeing the way Steve’s lips pursed at the name. “Are you… Are you saying you’re one of those girls who likes girls?” Bucky could understand that much at least. Steve grit his teeth.

“No, because I’m not a girl.” Steve said. “I’m a boy. So I can’t be a girl who likes girls because that would mean I’m a girl.” 

“But you can’t be a boy.” Bucky said, not wanting to hurt Steve but knowing that it didn’t make sense. Steve huffed, trying to think of a way to explain.

“You know those women we see sometimes.” Steve said. “The ones who go to those clubs that we’re not allowed to go near. The ones that ma says are boys really but they’re just pretending to be girls.” At least Bucky would be able to bring that to mind. Bucky nodded slowly, not knowing where Steve was going with this. “Well they’re not pretending. Not all of them. They are girls really, they were just born with the wrong bits and people think they’re boys.”

“Jessie you don’t-“

“Don’t call me Jessie.” Steve said, his voice getting more forceful. “I’ve told you, I’m a boy. That’s not a boy’s name.” Bucky had real concern in his eyes as he looked at Steve. 

“It’s the name your ma gave you.” He said softly.

“Well my ma thinks I’m a girl too. Everyone does but they’re all wrong, okay? But you know different now, so you can’t call me Jessie.” Steve looked at him with hard eyes. He wasn’t going to let Bucky tell him he was wrong, he’d worked out he was a boy long enough ago that he couldn’t be persuaded otherwise. Bucky was quiet for a few moments, trying to work out the right thing to say.

“What can I call you?” He asked eventually. Steve let out a long breath in relief, leaning in to give Bucky a hug.

“Steve.” He said softly. “I know you can’t call me it when other people are around, they won’t understand. But when it’s just us, I want to be Steve.” 

Bucky chewed on his lip. Steve watched with his stomach in knots. Bucky might not want to speak to him ever again.

“Well… Steve…” Bucky said slowly. “I don’t understand, but if you’re sure, I’ll believe you. I know you wouldn’t lie about something like this.” He squeezed Steve a little. “I might slip up a couple of times.” 

“That’s fine.” Steve said. “As long as you’re trying it’s fine.” He wrapped his arms around Bucky and held him tight. “Thank you.” 

“Anything for you Je- Steve… Stevie.” Bucky looked down at Steve, seeing him smiling his approval. “You look more comfortable than I’ve ever seen you. Always thought you were just a bit awkward.” 

“You would be too if you’d had to wear dresses for the last sixteen years.” Steve said with a laugh, not quite believing that this was happening. 

“I suppose so.” Bucky said. He bit his lip a little. “I can’t give you the clothes. My ma would kill me if I lost my spare trousers.” Steve shook his head a little. 

“No, no I wouldn’t ask that of you.” He said quickly. “It was nice to just try, you know. Thank you.” He let go of Bucky, straightening his shirt. “I can take it off now if you want.” 

“How about you keep it on.” Bucky said. “Just til my parents get back. Then you’ll need to take it off.” Steve nodded quickly. 

“I know. Thank you, Buck.” Steve looked as grateful as he felt. “Thank you so much.” He let the moment sink in, trying to work out where to go from here. Bucky broke the silence for him. 

“They make you look a bit scrawny though.” Bucky said with a small smirk. “Not sure they make full length pants in your size, most guys are still in shorts.”

Steve frowned and slapped his arm. “I’m not that small.” He said, but Bucky just laughed, showing he’d been teasing. 

“If you’re a guy,” Bucky said. “I gotta teach you how to punch like a guy.” Steve’s annoyance lifted immediately, his eyes lighting up. No one would teach him something like that as a girl, but he needed it.

“You would?” He asked, smile back in place. 

“Of course, I gotta teach you this sort of thing now.” Bucky said with a grin. “Next I’ll teach you how to lead a dance partner, you can barely dance even when you’re following.” Steve rolled his eyes, grin still on his face. He was gonna learn how to be a real guy, with his best fried at his side. 

-

A few months later, Bucky’s growth spurt started to hit. With no younger brothers to hand down clothes, he made excuses to his ma and gave them to Steve instead. 

Steve had beamed and hugged him hard, knowing now he could be who he wanted to be in his own home, as long as his ma wasn’t there. He could alter the clothes himself to make them fit, hem them up and take them in. He had to bite his lip not to cry from joy. 

The first time he showed Bucky, Bucky called him a “proper handsome man”. It was the lightest he’d felt on his feet in his entire life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for this chapter:  
> Cissexism (referring to "boy parts" or "girl parts" etc)


	3. Grieving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there  
> It's all happening so fast. I wrote this in my lunch break because I just needed to get it down. I'll probably have the next chapter up in the next couple of days.  
> Remember to check the notes at the end if you need trigger warnings  
> Thanks for reading xx

When Steve’s ma died, he didn’t leave the house for three days. 

He’d not been allowed to hold her hand, she was too contagious, but he’d been able to see her through a pane of glass. He’d waved to her, and she’d blown him a kiss before slowly fading away. Steve didn’t cry at the hospital, he couldn’t remember how to. 

The funeral passed and Steve locked himself inside. After the first day, Bucky came to knock on his door, but Steve didn’t answer. The next day, Bucky stopped by in his lunch break, leaving a casserole dish of leftovers to make sure that Steve was actually eating. When he came by after work the dish was still untouched on the doorstep. On the third day he’d had enough.

“You open up right now!” Bucky called through the door, seeing that today’s lunch time offering had been left outside as well. He knocked hard. “I’m not gonna let you starve yourself to death.” 

Steve looked up from where he was sat on his bed. His stomach was a tight pain but he couldn’t bring himself to eat more than a few nibbles of stale bread. When he stood up he saw stars and needed to sit back down. He waited to see if Bucky would go away.

“I’m not leaving this spot until you let me in!” Bucky called through. “I know you’re in there.” Steve wrung his hands together. He waited two more minutes before giving in and walking to the door.

“I’m gonna unlock the door.” He said through the wood. “Don’t open it til I say you can.” He was wearing his pants and shirt with his long hair pulled back tightly, the neighbours couldn’t see that. 

“Alright,” Bucky said, the relief coming through in his voice. 

Steve unlocked the door and walked away, going near the kitchen. 

“You can come in.” He called, making sure he was out of sight. He heard the door open and close, then lock again. He slowly came out, seeing the worry in Bucky’s eyes from across the room. They just looked between each other for a moment before Bucky walked towards him, wrapping him into a tight hug.

“I was so worried about you Stevie.” He said softly. “I didn’t know if you were ill, you might have needed a doctor and I couldn’t come and help.” He sighed softly, rubbing his back. “I just wanted to know you were okay.” 

“I’m sorry Buck.” Steve said softly. “I just… I couldn’t go outside. I’d have to be a girl and I couldn’t do that right now.” His voice was surprisingly calm. He’d remembered how to cry on the night after the funeral, but he’d cried himself out by the second day. Now he was just numb.

“I know.” Bucky said softly. “I’m not asking you to do that, I just wish you’d let me in.” He squeezed Steve a little before loosening his arms and stepping back. “Lets have dinner, alright? I’ll cook. I want to see you eat a full meal before I go.” 

Steve was about to protest, but he realised he didn’t want to be alone. He’d been lonely, and he was suddenly very thankful that he had a friend like Bucky to barge in and give him friendship. That and he was starving.

“Okay.” He said softly. “I- I don’t have much in.”

“We’ll make do.” Bucky said. “And I’ll bring by some food tomorrow. I’m gonna get you back on your feet.” Without his ma’s wage, Steve was going to have to live even tighter than he had been before. He didn’t like charity but he’d accept Bucky’s help for now. 

He nodded a little, letting Bucky go through to the kitchen and search through his cupboards. He eventually found some canned meat and a few old potatoes, beginning to pull something together. Bucky had been living alone for just under a year, he knew how to make the best of a bad food situation. When Steve was settled and eating, Bucky decided to try talking a little more. 

“So what have you been doing in here?” He asked carefully. Steve bit his lip, pausing with his fork half way to his mouth. 

“I- um- I’ve been drawing a lot.” Steve said quietly. “Trying to make sure I remember her face, you know?” That was at least part of the truth. For the first day he’d just stayed in bed, only managing to get his sketch book when he’d crawled out for food on the second morning. 

“I’m sure you will.” Bucky said. “You won’t forget something like that. Not with the way you remember pictures.” Steve could draw anything from memory, he wouldn’t forget his own mother’s face. Steve smiled a little but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. 

“I hope not.” He said, going back to eating. 

“How about I stay the night?” Bucky said. “Just to make sure you’re alright.” Steve huffed out a breath. 

“You can’t do that Buck.” He said as if it was obvious. “The neighbours will know you’re here after all that banging. People will talk if you don’t leave til morning.” 

“So let them talk.” Bucky said. “You are way more important than them. I don’t care what they say.” People thought they were dating anyway, so what if people thought they made a little time. 

“I don’t want more rumours about us.” Steve said with a small shrug of his shoulders. “I hear people saying I’m your girl, asking when we’re gonna make it official. Ma thought so too before she-…” He bit his lip hard, looking down at his plate. Bucky’s eyes softened a little. 

“I know she wanted to see you married.” Bucky said softly. “She wanted to see you in safe hands before she went, of course she thought it was gonna be me. But that’s not your fault. Don’t beat yourself up because you couldn’t give her that.” 

Steve stayed looking at his plate. If he’d just been a better daughter, put his ma’s mind at rest. He wondered if she could see him now, if she was looking down and seeing her baby girl dressed up like a boy. 

“I just… I know I don’t owe it to her.” Steve whispered. “But if I was a girl, we could have got engaged or something so she could at least see that. We could have hurried a wedding on and she could have been there.” Steve swallowed hard. “If I’d been normal this all would have been easy.” 

Bucky shook his head and reached for his hand. “That’s not true.” He said softly. “Don’t say it like it’s all your fault. You can’t help the way you are.” He didn’t comment on Steve saying they should be married, deciding to think about that later.

“Just because I can’t help it doesn’t mean it’s not my fault.” Steve mumbled, pushing his food around his plate.

“Listen to me, Steve.” Bucky said, squeezing his hand so Steve looked up at him. “Your ma would want you to be happy. She wouldn’t want you marrying me just for her sake, she’d want you marrying someone who you loved.” 

Steve was still for a moment, but he slowly nodded. He sighed, stabbing a piece of potato and chewing it slowly. 

“You can stay the night.” Steve said softly. “I’ll pull my mattress out, we’ll get the couch cushions.” They’d done it when they were too young for people to worry about it, they could do it again. Steve wouldn’t offer his ma’s bed, he didn’t think he ever would. 

“Perfect.” Bucky said with a small smile. “And I’m gonna keep dropping by, alright? We’ll eat together so I can see you’re eating properly. I’m not gonna let my best friend starve.” 

“Thanks Buck.” Steve said softly. “You’re the best.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for this chapter:  
> Loss of a loved one, grief


	4. Moving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there  
> Remember to check the notes at the end if you want any trigger warnings  
> Thanks for reading

Steve was smiling again, laughing at Bucky’s bad jokes. He’d gotten himself a job typing up receipts at a local grocery store, something respectable for a young lady that no one would raise an eyebrow at. Bucky was there at his side for the whole thing, and Steve was grateful that he supported him still. 

“You look like you’ve got something on your mind.” Bucky said when he was over for dinner one night. “There something you’re not telling me?” Steve looked guiltily at his plate. He chewed his lip, trying to decide if this was the right time. 

“I’m moving away.” He said softly. Bucky’s eyes widened, shocked into silence for a few seconds. Steve waited for him to speak.

“What do you mean moving away?” Bucky asked, worry in his voice. “Ain’t you happy here? If it’s the apartment then you know you can move in with me anytime.” 

“It’s not the apartment.” Steve said, shaking his head a little. “It’s… I want to be myself Buck. Outside the apartment. And that means going somewhere where no one knows Jessie Rogers.”

“How far are you planning on moving?” Bucky asked. “I mean, can I come see you?”

“I don’t know Buck.” Steve said softly. “I just know it’s what I need to do. I can’t be who I am here. So I’m gonna sell the apartment, stay somewhere they won’t ask questions for a few days while I get everything sorted. I’ll sell my dresses and buy some proper men’s clothes, cut my hair short and go find a place to live as Steve Rogers.” He reached for Bucky’s hand, squeezing it. “I’ll miss you like crazy, but I can’t keep being Jessie each time I step out the door.” 

Bucky went quiet again, and Steve was worried he was gonna get angry, say that it wasn’t safe and demand Steve stay home. 

“There’s gotta be another way.” Bucky said, shaking his head. “We’ll work something out, you don’t need to move away.” 

“Oh yeah?” Steve said. “And how are we gonna explain to people that Jessie has disappeared and suddenly Steve exists?” Bucky bit his lip, and Steve could see the cogs working in Bucky’s brain.

“How about Jessie moves away,” Bucky said carefully, thinking as he spoke. “And a cousin from Ireland moves over, that’ll explain why he looks like Jessie and you’d get to keep your surname.”

“We can’t pull that off.” Steve said, shaking his head. “I’m sorry Buck. It won’t be easy, I’m moving away from everything I know, but it’s what I gotta do.” Bucky was full of big ideas, but Steve knew those ideas were a little far fetched a lot of the time. 

Bucky swallowed hard, squeezing Steve’s hand and nodding a little. 

“If you’re sure Stevie.” He said quietly. Steve knew Bucky had never considered that he might not have Steve around any more. Well that wasn’t quite true. When Steve got so ill that he ended up in hospital, as had happened more times than either of them cared to count while they were growing up, that had made Bucky consider a life without Steve there. He’d told Steve once, and Steve had held him close, saying that he wanted Bucky to move on quick if he died in a hospital bed.

“I am.” Steve said. “I haven’t got the details sorted yet, I’ll be around for a while, but you deserved to know before all of that.” 

Bucky looked down at his plate, finding he’d lost his appetite. 

“I’m gonna put this in a bowl for later.” He said. “I’ll be back in a second.” 

Steve was left alone with his thoughts for less than a minute, but he still didn’t like it. He didn’t want to move away, he wanted to stay where he could remember his ma and be with Bucky, but he wanted the freedom to be a boy with the curtains open.

“How about we practise dancing?” Bucky asked when he came back. Steve was a little taken off guard.

“Where’d that come from?” He asked. 

“Well you won’t have me to teach you for much longer.” Bucky said with a smirk, obviously putting on a face for Steve. “And you need the practise if you’re gonna try and woo a dame.” Steve rolled his eyes but nodded anyway. He liked dancing with Bucky, he knew how he moved by now and he didn’t trip up nearly as much as he used to.

“Alright,” he said. “But I’m leading, no point practising the wrong way round.” The smile that came to Bucky’s face was almost enough to help Steve forget he was about to leave him behind. 

Steve finished his food and put a record on to dance to. He held a hand out for Bucky to come closer. They’d danced together when they were younger, much to the delight of their parents, but now they shared leading so that Steve could practise. 

He put his hand on Bucky’s waist, letting Bucky put his hand on Steve’s shoulder, clasping their hands together. He counted in, mouthing the numbers and then they began to move. It went well for about half a song, Bucky grinning down at him and giving him pointers as to how to hold his body as a man, right up until the moment that Steve tripped over Bucky’s feet and fell forward into Bucky’s chest. Bucky caught him, laughing at Steve fought to keep his balance. 

“I got you.” He said, righting Steve back onto his feet but not letting go of his sides just yet. “Are you alright?” He asked. 

“I’m fine,” Steve said, shaking his head a little and looking up at Bucky, becoming aware of how close they were standing. Bucky had a funny look in his eye. Steve had seen it a couple of times before, when he stopped smiling for a second and looked like he was about to do something. Steve was about to ask what he was thinking when Bucky leaned down to kiss him. 

Steve took a moment to react, pulling back. 

“What are you doing?” He breathed, the smile gone from his face. 

“Sorry,” Bucky said quickly, letting go of him and stepping back. He looked about as shocked as Steve felt. “I just… I-… You’re moving away. And I didn’t want you leaving without getting to kiss you just once.” He looked like he’d made a mistake but didn’t know how to make it right.

“Buck…” Steve started, confused and not sure where to go from here. He’d thought about it before, kissing Bucky. He imagined if he was a girl then he would have kissed Bucky a while ago. But he’d wanted so much to be a boy properly that he wouldn’t even entertain the idea. “I’m a boy.” He said quietly. 

“I know.” Bucky said. “I know that Steve. But I still want to kiss you.” 

“Are you-… Are you saying you’re a queer.” Steve said, not sure what to do.

“No offense Stevie, but that’s sort of rich coming from you.” Bucky said with a small shrug. Steve guessed that was a fair point. 

“But why’d you not say anything before?” He asked. 

“I didn’t think you’d want it.” Bucky said. “You always said you didn’t when we were young. And then when you told me you were a boy, well you never mentioned still liking guys.” He wrung his hands a little. “I’m sorry, I just wasn’t thinking.” 

Steve watched him for a moment. Bucky wanted to kiss him, even as a boy. He knew everything about him and Bucky wanted to kiss him. He walked forward slowly, taking Bucky’s hands in his. 

“And if I said I wanted to kiss you back?” He asked quietly. “I just never thought about it before.” Bucky was his best friend, and a guy, and just… someone that Steve didn’t want to lose. 

Bucky’s eyes lit up, squeezing Steve’s hands. 

“I’d be the happiest guy in the world.” He whispered. He stayed where he was, letting Steve make the next move. Steve leant in slowly, making sure they both wanted this. He gently pressed his lips to Bucky’s, feeling the other man smile into the kiss and they slowly came closer together. The kiss was soft and slow, and they parted before it got any deeper. 

“I can’t believe we just did that.” Steve said softly. “Ma was right.” Bucky burst out laughing at that. 

“Stevie, I would have asked you on dates years ago if I’d thought there was any chance you’d say yes.” Bucky said softly. 

“It’s good you waited.” Steve said softly. “It wouldn’t have been right, not til now.” That much he was sure of. He’d needed to find himself, become sure and stable. He knew he could be a man and want more from Bucky, just it was a big step. He’d needed the time to build up to it. There was a moment of silence before Bucky’s face fell a little. 

“Don’t move away.” He said quietly. “Please Stevie. I want you here. I want see how this works. I’ll make sure no one gets suspicious, I’ll spread every story I can. Please, be a boy here.” There was pleading in his eyes, and Steve’s heart hurt to say no.

“Who would believe that story Buck?” He asked quietly.

“They would. They’d believe it more than Jessie becoming Steve. It’s much more likely that a cousin moved here.” Bucky said. “I’ll take you to a room somewhere where you can do everything you said, cut your hair, buy some pants. Then I’ll bring you back and say that I promised Jessie I’d take care of you.” He raised a hand to stroke Steve’s cheek. “I’ll make it work.” 

Steve bit his lip, trying to find a reason to say yes as much as a reason to say no. He needed to be a boy, but Bucky seemed so sure he could do it here. 

“Okay,” he whispered. “We can try.” He leaned into the hand a little, enjoying the soft touches too much already. “But we gotta be ready to go at any moment. If anyone works it out, I need to leave immediately.”

“Yes, of course.” Bucky said, nodding quickly. He leaned in to peck Steve’s lips, then kiss his forehead. “I’ll take care of you, I’ll keep you safe.”

“I don’t need taking care of.” Steve said. “Just because I want this doesn’t make me a girl. We’ll need to be careful. If everyone knows I’m a boy they can’t know that we’re together.”

“I know, sorry, I’ll be creful.” Bucky said, rubbing a thumb over Steve’s cheekbone. “I just… This is happening. I’ve thought about it for so long and it’s actually happening…” He trailed off, just grinning at Steve. 

Steve smiled back at him, wrapping his arms around Bucky’s middle and beginning to sway to the music, head resting on Bucky’s chest. He took a deep breath, letting himself feel secure for a moment. The road ahead was gonna be hard, but it might be worth it to have Bucky at his side.

“Hey Stevie.” Bucky said softly, breaking Steve’s train of thought. 

“Yeah Buck?” Steve asked quietly. 

“You think, when you move back here, that you might wanna live with me?” Bucky had been asking for months, not sure whether he’d get the same answer as always. However Steve smiled against his shirt. 

“I think Steve Rogers would love a roommate.” He said softly. “He’s new to the city after all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for this chapter:  
> I honestly can't think of anything, but if there is, let me know


	5. Living Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there  
> I'm writing these faster than I anticipated, but that's a good thing I suppose  
> Remember to check the end notes for any trigger warnings  
> Thanks for reading

It took careful planning and a lot of good timing, but eventually Steve moved into Bucky’s apartment. 

He’d told everyone that Jessie was moving away, not coping well after the death of her mother and needing a fresh start. He’d sold his apartment and stayed in a hired room. The owner had looked between Steve and Bucky, noting no wedding ring on Steve’s finger, assuming whatever she wanted. This was a place where all sorts happened and no one said anything. She had been a little surprised when Steve emerged the next day, hair short and dressed as a man, but she let him get on his way.

He stayed there for two weeks, perfecting his look, making sure everyone would think he was male. Back at home he knew Bucky was spreading the news. Or more accurately, he’d told his ma that Jessie’s cousin was moving to the city, needed somewhere to stay so Bucky was giving him the spare bed. Bucky’s ma could spread news much quicker than Bucky without even realising she was doing it. 

Steve arrived with a bag of clothes, a few things from his mother, and his chin held high. He beamed at Bucky as the other picked him up from the bus station, trying to remain reserved like a stranger should. That lasted until the moment the apartment door closed. 

“Gosh I’ve missed you.” He said, putting his bag down and pulling Bucky into a kiss. He felt Bucky’s smile against his lips, the larger man’s hands resting on his waist. 

“I missed you too,” Bucky whispered when they broke for breath. “Lemme take your bag through, I’ll show you round.” Steve rolled his eyes. 

“I been round here enough times to know where everything is.” He said, pulling back to pick up his own bag and carry it through to the bedroom. Bucky had made the bed up for him already, much neater than Bucky’s own bed across the room. “How’s it been around here? How’s your family?”

“They’re doing fine. Becca misses you.” Bucky said. “But I guess she’s gonna keep missing Jessie. Mostly I just been getting pity.” 

“Oh yeah?” Steve said, opening up his bag. “About what?”

“My sweetheart moving away.” Bucky said with a smirk. “Lot of people asking why I didn’t move with her.” Steve rolled his eyes, getting his clothes out quickly. “You’re in a hurry, you got plans?”

“I gotta go out and find a job.” Steve said.

“That ain’t the first thing you gotta do, surely? You just got off the bus.” Bucky said, sitting down on his own bed.

“And every moment I waste, I’m dead weight.” Steve said. “I can’t pay for rent shining your shoes.” 

“I told you that I don’t mind.” Bucky said. “Take a few days to get on your feet.”

“You do know that I haven’t actually just moved here, right?” Steve said with a smirk. “I’ll unpack first, but then I’m heading out. I already cost you the day’s work.”

“It’s a Saturday,” Bucky said with a shrug. “Ain’t that bad.”

“I don’t care.” Steve said. “I’m pulling my weight.” 

-

Steve got a job sweeping floors in a shop. No where else would take him, his health made him miss days and his stature meant he wasn’t good for heavy lifting. It didn’t pay well, but it was an income. They had enough to pay the rent between them and only just enough left over to feed them both. It was tight, but Steve had savings from selling his apartment, just in case. It wasn’t comfortable, but it was home. 

They held each other in the evenings, kissing softly to slow songs that came on the wireless. A couple of times Bucky reached for Steve’s shirt, fingers trailing over his buttons, but Steve always pushed him away. 

“We can’t.” Steve whispered softly. Usually Bucky would leave it, but this time, two weeks in, he was sure Steve wasn’t pushing him away because he wasn’t ready. There was another reason.

“Why not?” Bucky whispered back. “I’ll be real gentle, we don’t have to go all the way. Just let me make you feel good.” He leaned back in for another kiss but Steve pulled back. 

“I can’t.” He whispered. “It’s not-… I’m not- you know- the right shape.”

“I ain’t got any problem with your shape.” Bucky said, but moved his hand back to Steve’s waist.

“I do.” Steve said, looking at him seriously. “You’ll think I’m a woman, you’ll treat me like a girl.” 

“Steve, how long have I known you’re a guy?” Bucky said with a soft sigh. Steve bit his lip, thinking.

“Three… Four years.” He said quietly.

“You think I’m gonna forget that just because I see you out of these?” Bucky said softly. “I’ll work out what you like. I won’t do anything that makes you unhappy.” Steve was quiet for a long time, but slowly leaned back into Bucky, taking his hand.

“Not tonight,” He whispered. “I need to think about it.” 

-

“Stevie, what’s going on?” Bucky asked. Steve had been living with him for three weeks and he’d locked himself in the bathroom. “Are you ill? Do I need to call a doctor?” That idea was terrifying. What if they asked Steve to undress? It would all be over. 

“I’m fine.” Steve called back. “I just- I need you to do something for me.” He looked at his bloodied boxer shorts, knowing he’d need to go back to briefs for a while. He’d started bleeding in the night, the cramps making him go to the bathroom as soon as he woke up. He hadn’t bled through his pyjamas thankfully, there were no sheets to clean at least.

“Anything Stevie.” Bucky said. Steve drew in a big breath for courage. 

“I need you to get me a pair of briefs and a new pair of pyjama pants from my drawer and… and bring the box labelled Kotex. It should be in there too.” Steve didn’t know if the silence on the other side of the door was understanding or confusion. He couldn’t risk walking out there and dripping on the floors, never mind putting that underwear back on. He heard Bucky walk away, only a few seconds before he came back. 

“I’ll pass them through the door.” He said. “Can you unlock it?” 

Steve managed to bunch enough toilet paper together to get to the door, unlocking it and grabbing the things as soon as Bucky put his arm through the door. He emerged in his new pyjamas, old ones bunched up so Bucky wouldn’t see the mess. 

“Thanks.” He said, cheeks a little pink from the shame. Bucky gave him a sharp nod, looking completely out of his depth. 

“Are you- um- staying home from work today?” He asked carefully.

“No,” Steve said, walking through to the kitchen where they kept the scrubbing board. He couldn’t let the clothes dry and risk them being ruined. He grit his teeth against the cramping, knowing it would settle in a little while. “Why would I?”

“Because, you’re…” Bucky gestured vaguely with his hands, and Steve ignored him to fill the sink. 

“I’m going to work. I can’t exactly tell them I’m having lady’s problems.” Steve snapped. He got the soap out, putting his clothes into the filled sink.

“You could just say you’re sick.” Bucky said, who was trying but failing to not seem to be standing as far back as possible. 

“Oh for Christ’s sake Bucky, I’m menstruating, not infected.” Steve spat, beginning to wash his clothes. The water turned an unpleasant colour quickly, but he just had to deal with it. “I can’t take a few days off every month, not with the sick days I already take. They’ll fire me.” 

Bucky took a few seconds, but slowly walked forward. He tried not to look in the sink. He gently placed a hand on Steve’s side. Of course he knew Steve must have to go through this, but it had never been so immediately in front of him. 

“Doesn’t it hurt?” He asked. 

“It does,” Steve said. “But not so bad I can’t work. I’m just sweeping and tidying, nothing important. It’ll be alright in a couple of days.” Except for the constant reminder that he wasn’t a boy, that his parts were wrong, that all of this was so messed up. His shoulder’s slumped, and he stopped washing for a moment. “I’m sorry, it caught me off guard.” He said softly. “I’ll try not to let it happen again.” 

“It ain’t your fault.” Bucky said softly, beginning to rub Steve’s lower back which felt like bliss. Steve leaned into him more, encouragement to carry on. “It’s your plumbing, not you. Doesn’t make you any less of a man, you hear? Going through all that and not saying a word, makes you stronger than whole load of men I know. And I’ll help in any way I can, just a little queasy is all.” 

Steve smiled a little at that, letting Bucky’s rub his hips gently. It meant a lot, he knew this wasn’t men’s business, but he still had to deal with it no matter how many people believed he was a man. It wouldn’t quite be his ma’s hand, but it would be better than nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for this chapter:  
> Menstruation


	6. Dating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there  
> Shockingly I only managed to publish one chapter yesterday, but this one's quite long so I hope it makes up for it  
> Remember to check the notes at the end for TWs  
> Thanks for reading

“What the hell are you talking about?” Steve asked, glaring Bucky down. Bucky looked hesitant, but he couldn’t take it back now.

“I’ve set us up a double date.” He said carefully. “…With two girls.” Steve looked at him like he’d sprouted horns.

“What did you do that for?” He asked, leaving the dishes he’d been washing. 

“I wanted to take you out somewhere nice.” Bucky said. “But I can’t do that just us, I can’t take you on a date. But if we went with two girls then no one would bat an eye.” 

“Apart from the girls.” Steve said. “Who’d maybe notice that we’re more interested in each other. We’d have to spend the whole night trying to flirt with them instead of each other. Why would I want to do that?”

“Because I’ll show you a good time, Stevie. I promise.” Bucky looked at him pleading. “People are starting to talk about us, spending too much time together. It’d stop the rumours if people saw us out with some girls.” 

“Since when did you start caring what people thought?” Steve snapped back. “I thought I was more important than those people out there.”

“It was different then.” Bucky said. “It’s different people thinking that I’m making time with a girl than-…” He bit his lip, knowing he’d say something wrong. By the look in Steve’s eye he already had.

“Than what?” Steve said. “Buggering with a guy? Well they’d be wrong if they were thinking that so it doesn’t matter.” 

“It does matter, because they might call the police.” Bucky said, words coming out with more of an edge than he’d intended. “And what happens when they take you away? They’ll find out about you and they’ll lock you up in a loony bin.” 

Steve flinched back at that. Bucky had never said anything that harsh before. He knew in his heart that it came from a place of fear, fear that Steve would get taken away, but it still cut deep.

“Well at least then people would stop talking about you.” He said, going back to his dishes. He washed them too firmly, hands shaking as he realised Bucky wasn’t leaving. He dropped a plate, chipping a large chunk off the side. “Shit!” He shouted. “Shit, shit, shit.” He put the plate down, head hanging as he tried to get control of himself. He felt Bucky’s arms coming to wrap around him. 

“Nothing would be worth losing you.” Bucky whispered. “Nothing in the world. Not like that.” He kissed the back of Steve’s neck gently, stroking his side. “All I want is for you to be safe.” Steve held onto Bucky’s arm, probably getting his sleeve wet.

“I can’t date a girl Bucky.” Steve said softly. “I don’t know how. I don’t want to watch you flirting with a dame all night.” 

“You’re the only one for me Stevie,” Bucky said, continuing to kiss the back of his head. “You don’t have to be good at it. As long as they see you’re trying, no one will come poking into our business. We don’t need to do it often, just enough that it looks like we’re trying.” 

Steve slowly sighed, leaning back into Bucky and looking at the shards of broken plate that he’d have to clean up.

“Okay.” He whispered. “We’ll go on the date.”

-

“It wasn’t that bad.” Bucky said, following Steve back into the apartment. The date was over at least, they wouldn’t have to do that again for a while. 

“It was humiliating.” Steve said, pulling at his best clothes and walking into the bedroom. 

“I think she sort of liked you towards the end.” Bucky called through, deciding to give Steve a bit of space for now and staying in the lounge. 

“I don’t want her to like me.” Steve said back, making sure not to be loud enough for the neighbours to hear. “I want you to like me. And your girl was all over you all night while mine looked at me like I was dog dirt. It was embarrassing.” 

“Well it’s over now.” Bucky said, going to sit on the couch. “We don’t have to do it again for a long while.” 

Steve emerged from the bedroom, down to his shirt and pants. His shirt was untucked and had a couple of buttons undone.

“Good.” He said. “I’d say we’re never doing it again if I didn’t know better.” He huffed, coming to sit on the couch with Bucky. “I just-… It sucked to see you flirting with someone else.” He looked up to Bucky in a way that made Bucky want to take it all back.

“I’m sorry Stevie.” He said softly. “You know I didn’t mean any of it. I just needed them to believe me.” 

“Well you were very believable.” Steve said, hugging his knees to his chest.

“Oh no, Stevie, you know I was just acting.” Bucky said, wrapping an arm around Steve and pulling him close. “Please don’t get upset with me.”

Steve took a few breaths before turning to face Bucky. He kissed him softly, reaching to hold his hand. He rested their forehead together when their lips parted. He knew it wasn’t Bucky’s fault, that he hadn’t meant anything he’d said to that girl. 

“It’s just hard.” Steve mumbled. “You know? To see a girl acting like that with the man I-…” He cut himself off, realising where that sentence ended. He looked up at Bucky, knowing he knew too. Bucky smiled back at him. 

“I love you too.” He whispered, the smile behind his eyes larger than the one on his face. Steve smiled back at him. 

“The man I love.” He finished, squeezing Bucky’s hand. There didn’t seem any way to continue so he leaned in to kiss Bucky softly. 

The kiss didn’t stay soft for long, and soon Bucky’s tongue had found it’s way into his mouth, his hand trailing over Steve’s side. Steve took a leap of faith, hand moving to Bucky’s buttons 

“Stevie?” Bucky breathed softly, pulling back a little. 

“I want this.” Steve whispered back. “I know I do.” He undid Bucky’s top button. “I trust you.” 

Bucky barely hesitated, mirroring Steve and beginning to get Steve’s shirt off. He pushed it off his skinny shoulders, stroking a hand down his bare chest, making Steve stop unbuttoning for a second. He got the last couple of buttons undone before just letting Bucky feel. His breasts were there, small but there, and Steve held his breath as Bucky gently cupped one. Bucky had promised not to think of him as a woman, and Steve trusted him. He waited as Bucky rubbed a thumb gently over one nipple, feeling it begin to stiffen under the cold air and his touch and shivering at the spark of excitement it sent through him. 

“You’re gorgeous.” Bucky whispered, seeming only now to realise that his own shirt was fully open. He shuffled it off, letting Steve see his toned torso. He wasn’t bulky by any means, but you could definitely see his muscles. It made Steve feel a little small, but not too bad. He was aware of the form of his body beyond what he wanted, but there was nothing he could do about that. 

“You are too.” Steve replied, stroking a hand down Bucky’s stomach. 

“I’m gonna make you feel so good Stevie,” Bucky whispered, leaning forward to kiss him again softly. “Just not on the couch.” He slipped his hands underneath Steve, and before the blond could complain he was being lifted into the air. 

“Hey!” Steve said, elbowing Bucky before clinging on so he didn’t get dropped. 

“Couldn’t help it,” Bucky said with a smirk, carrying him through and lying him down gently on Bucky’s bed. Steve huffed, but pulled Bucky down into a soft kiss. 

“You’re lucky I love you, or I’d have more to say about you pulling something like that.” He said against Bucky’s lips. 

They both ended up crammed into the single bed, hands trailing over each other slowly. It was Steve’s hands that ventured to Bucky’s pants first, slowly beginning to pull at the belt, undoing it careful. 

“You don’t have to,” Bucky whispered, but made no move to stop him. 

“I know,” Steve whispered. “I want to.”

Bucky must have taken that as permission, beginning to undo Steve’s flies. They fumbled at each other, kicking off pants until they were both just in their underwear. 

“I-…” Steve started, hesitating when he got to Bucky’s underwear. “I’ve never done this before.” He whispered. 

“Neither have I.” Bucky said. “Ain’t nothing to be ashamed of. We were waiting for each other, alright?” 

Steve nodded a little, glad that they both had no idea what they were doing, he wouldn’t show himself up in front of Bucky. He slowly began to push Bucky’s underwear down, helping him awkwardly get out of them. He looked over him once he was naked, biting his lip a little. He’d known what would be there, of course, but it was different seeing it in real life, seeing that parts he was missing.

He tentatively reached out, wrapping his hand around the tip. He heard Bucky gasp a little and he hoped that meant it was good. He slowly moved his hand down the length, looking up to watch Bucky’s face. 

“That’s real good Stevie,” Bucky whispered. “Just like that.” 

Steve repeated the motion, rubbing up and down Bucky’s cock. He swallowed a little, leaning in to keep kissing him, relaxing a little as he felt Bucky kiss him back. He’d felt big when Steve started, but he realised it was getting bigger, still not fully hard. Bucky was groaning into his mouth and slowly beginning to rock his hips into Steve’s hand. Steve knew he was reacting in his own, less obvious, way inside his underwear, but he focussed on Bucky for now. Bucky seemed to have other ideas, moving a hand between Steve’s legs. 

“Told you I’d make you feel good,” Bucky whispered. “Can’t do that and let you do all the work.” Steve was nervous, but Bucky seemed so sure he could make it good. He hummed softly as Bucky began to rub him through the material, beginning to feel the dampness there. He timed his movement on Bucky’s cock to the movement of Bucky’s hand.

Slowly Bucky began to pull his underwear off. Steve’s heart clenched, barely even wanting to look himself, but he knew he wanted this. He wouldn’t let his body ruin this for him, not this time. Bucky pulled Steve’s underwear down his legs, moving away from Steve’s reach. Steve put both hands into the bed sheets as Bucky kissed down his chest, then down his stomach. 

“You are the most gorgeous guy in the whole world Stevie,” Bucky whispered against the skin of his hip. Steve shuddered, feeling exposed but safe. Bucky had him, he’d make this good. 

Bucky kissed down one thigh before kissing up the other, obviously giving Steve time to push him away. Instead Steve opened his legs slightly, overly aware that Bucky could se everything. 

Steve gasped as Bucky’s tongue trailed up his lips. His hips bucked a little, not expecting something so sudden. His mouth formed a surprised ‘o’ shape, letting out a high, breathy sound. He could feel Bucky smile, lapping at him gently, making sure Steve was comfortable with this. Slowly he circled his tongue around Steve’s clit, drawing the first moan from Steve. Bucky pulled back for a second.

“Is this good?” He asked quietly.

“Yeah,” Steve breathed. “Yeah Buck, it’s good.” He looked firmly at the ceiling, not wanting to look at his own body. He felt Bucky crawl up again, leaning in to kiss him softly. Steve could taste what must be himself on Bucky’s lips. 

“Tell me if I’m doing anything wrong.” Bucky whispered. “I want you to enjoy it.” 

Steve nodded a little, slowly moving his hand to wrap around Bucky’s length again. He wanted Bucky to feel good too, and this way he didn’t have to worry about his own bits and pieces. Except Bucky moved his hand down too, thumb rubbing just below his clit. Steve breathed heavily against his lips, kissing him softly, glad they were keeping this slow. He wouldn’t be able to handle it all at once. 

“Ah!” Steve breathed, breaking away from Bucky’s lips and letting go of his cock as he felt a fingertip pressing at his entrance. 

“Not good?” Bucky asked, pulling his hand back immediately. 

“Just… A shock.” Steve whispered. His mind was at war with himself, knowing that it was going to feel good but also knowing that boys didn’t have that. “I- I don’t know-“

“Hush, it’s okay.” Bucky whispered. “Only as much as you’re ready for, nothing more.” He kissed Steve softly as reassurance.

“It’s not that.” Steve said. “I… I’m a boy.” 

“Yeah I know.” Bucky replied.

“And, you know, I should have…” Steve flicked his eyes down to Bucky’s crotch. 

“Who says?” Bucky whispered. He pressed a few kisses to Steve’s jaw. “Who says what you gotta have down there?”

“Everyone.” Steve said softly, trying to let himself relax under Bucky’s kisses.

“I’ve done enough of caring about everyone for one evening.” Bucky said softly. “Lets just care about us for a little while.” He moved back to look at Steve, smiling a little. “We can stop now if you want, if it’s too much.” 

Steve chewed on his lip a little before nodding. 

“It wasn’t bad, just…”

“A lot to take in.” Bucky finished for him. “It’s okay. We can try again some other time.” He pulled back a little, sitting up and stroking Steve’s side softly. “I’m- uh- I’m just gonna go to the bathroom real quick.” That made Steve smirk, and he nodded a little. 

“Take care of yourself,” He said. “I don’t want it poking me when I’m trying to sleep.” Bucky’s face softened into a dopey smile at that. 

“You gonna sleep here with me?” Bucky asked. 

“If you’ll have me.” Steve said, sitting up to find his underwear. 

“Definitely,” Bucky said with a grin, standing up and kissing Steve in the forehead. “I’ll be back before you fall asleep.” He promised. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for this chapter:  
> Foreplay, mild dysphoria


	7. Loving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there  
> This was inevitable really  
> Remember to check the end for any TWs  
> Thanks for reading

It was a lazy Tuesday morning. Normally Bucky would have left by now and Steve would be heading to the shop, but today the alarm was off and they were still wrapped in each other’s arms. Today was Steve’s birthday, July 4th 1939, which meant the shop was shut and the docks didn’t need manning. They both had the day off. 

Steve woke slowly, kissing Bucky’s shoulder gently to see if the other man was awake. They’d pushed their beds together, sleeping cuddled up every night. Sometimes hands found their way into clothing, mouths did what they could, but Bucky made sure he never pushed too far, stopping at any sign of discomfort. They’d made progress though, and Steve didn’t have many problems any more. 

Bucky hummed softly, not quite awake but getting there. He nuzzled Steve back, stroking his side gently. 

“Happy Birthday Stevie,” He whispered, his voice gruff in the morning. He coughed a little, clearing his throat. “Big old twenty one.” Steve smiled a little, staying just where he was.

“I feel so much older and wiser.” He teased. 

“Almost as old and wise as me?” Bucky mumbled with a smirk. 

“Not as old, wiser though.” Steve said, leaning to kiss Bucky. Everything was soft in the late morning light. They’d go to the fireworks in the evening, but for the rest of the day they just had each other. Not that Steve was complaining about that. 

Bucky rolled his eyes a little, kissing Steve back gently. He pulled back, smiling at him groggily. 

“I have a present for you.” He said softly.

“Oh Buck,” Steve said. “You didn’t have to.” 

“Of course I did. What sort of boyfriend do you think I am?” Bucky said, playing with the hem of Steve’s sleep shirt, one of Bucky’s undershirts that he’d stolen.

“A broke one.” Steve said, snuggling back in. “But thank you.” 

He leaned back in to kiss Bucky more. Presents could wait, getting up at all could wait, right now he just wanted this. Bucky didn’t seem to have a problem with that, deepening the kiss slowly. His hand went round to cup Steve’s ass gently, just holding him close. Steve wrapped an arm around Bucky’s neck, pulling them flush together. He smirked a little and pulled back.

“Someone’s pleased to see me,” He teased, pecking Bucky’s lips. 

“Very,” Bucky said softly. He carefully rolled his hips forward a little, smiling as Steve hummed happily, pressing back. 

“I- um-,” Steve swallowed a little, hesitating. 

“You want me to stop?” Bucky asked, stopping the press against him. 

“No, no, it’s not that. Just… I got something, for today, too.” Steve bit his lip, pulling away a little, rolling to the bedside table and opening the drawer. He could feel Bucky’s eyes on him, but he’d decided today was the day. He rolled back to him with a small packet. He’d not been brave enough to buy more than one, avoiding the look of the store clerk the whole time. 

“What’ve you got-…” Bucky began to ask, looking at the packet and working out what it was. “Stevie… Are you sure?” They’d worked up to Steve letting Bucky putting a finger or two inside him, but never this.

“I’m sure.” Steve said. “I love you, and I want this.” He’d thought about it for a long time, knowing that Bucky would never ask until Steve suggested it. But this was the right time and he knew it. 

Bucky leaned in to kiss him once more, slowly taking the packet out of his hand, setting it to the side. Steve frowned a little in confusion. 

“Well we’re not just gonna jump right in.” Bucky said with a soft smile. “Let me warm you up a little first.” He slipped his hand up Steve’s shirt, slowly helping him pull it off over his head. He kissed at his neck, working his way down Steve’s chest and he lay Steve down on his back. “I’m gonna do this right.” He whispered, softly licking one of Steve’s nipples. 

Steve gasped, fingers carding through Bucky’s hair. Of course Buck would want to take this slow, and Steve had known it wouldn’t be quick, that’s why he’d picked today. Bucky sucked gently at one nipple, moving over to the other once it was peaked and hard. Steve pushed his chest up to Bucky. Steve had managed to settle in his mind that he couldn’t be intimate like other men, but that shouldn’t stop him being intimate at all. Bucky had helped a lot, and now it was very rare Steve got upset and asked to stop. 

Steve had a soft smile on his face as Bucky started kissing down his stomach, fingers hooking into his boxers. Steve lifted his hips to let Bucky pull tem off, leaving him naked. 

“I’ll never get used to how beautiful you are,” Bucky said, his voice genuine. He trailed his fingers down Steve’s stomach and hip, slowly slipping them between his legs. He rubbed Steve’s clit in the way they’d found he liked, using his fingers to rub down his lips, spread them a little. “Someone seems pleased to see me too.” He teased a little, getting his fingers wet against Steve. 

Steve only replied in a soft moan. Bucky moved one hand to gently rub one of his breasts, moving to carry on kissing him, giving his mouth something to do rather than run on and embarrass them both. Steve felt Bucky slowly pushing at his entrance, humming softly to indicate it was okay. He made soft, high pitched sounds as Bucky pressed the finger in. It wasn’t too big to be uncomfortable, just a satisfying sort of filled that Steve hadn’t known until the first time they’d done this. 

Bucky wiggled around inside him a little, making Steve squirm and groan, eyes fluttering shut so he couldn’t see Bucky’s reaction. His hips were rolling into Bucky’s hand, quivering a little as Bucky continued to rub at his lips and clit with his thumb. He slowly began moving the finger in and out of Steve, kissing down to his neck. Steve briefly thought of trying to do something back, but he was too caught up in everything happening to him. He felt a second finger pressing into him, but he was wet and ready and barely felt the stretch. 

“I want you.” Steve whispered. “I’m ready, please.” He nipped at Bucky’s lower lip, knowing that he’d waited long enough. 

“You sure?” Bucky breathed. “I can keep going long as you want.” 

“I’m sure.” Steve breathed. 

Bucky nodded, pulling back a little and removing his hand slowly. Steve sort of wanted him back but knew what came next should be better. He propped himself up to watch Bucky remove the remnants of clothes he’d been wearing. Steve couldn’t help but reach out and stroke his chest, down to his stomach. Bucky smiled at him before reaching for the wrapper. He broke eye contact to look down and open it carefully, making sure not to rip the rubber inside. Steve watched as Bucky rubbed himself a little before very carefully getting the condom on, checking it was right. 

Steve waited until he was done before pulling him back close and kissing him softly. They both shuffled so that Bucky was between Steve’s spread legs, where they stopped. 

“You still sure?” Bucky asked quietly, pulling back enough to look Steve in the eye. 

“I’m sure.” Steve replied. 

“And you’ll tell me if it hurts, or if you want me to stop?” Bucky whispered.

“Of course.” Steve assured him. “Just go slow.” 

Bucky nodded a little, lining himself up carefully before beginning to push in slowly. It took a few goes to get the right angle, Bucky apologising when Steve winced a little. Eventually he managed to get it right, resting a hand on Steve’s hip to steady them.

Steve’s mouth opened, gasps and squeaks coming out that he didn’t quite have control of. It was a lot bigger than two fingers. Steve had expected it to hurt, but that wasn’t quite right. It was a little uncomfortable, felt like it was a tight squeeze, but he wasn’t gritting his teeth against the pain like he’d thought he would. Bucky stopped about half way in, letting Steve catch up. Steve was a little grateful, just getting used to it and giving Bucky a small smile just to let him know he wasn’t in pain. 

Bucky kissed over his face, whispering how amazing and beautiful Steve was. Steve didn’t know if he could tell whether it was hurting Steve or not. He would wait it out for a bit, see if it got better. If not he’d ask to stop. He gently told Bucky to keep going. 

Bucky did this part even more slowly, and it was even more of a stretch for Steve. He had to asked to pause once, worrying Bucky but assuring him it would be okay in a second. Still it didn’t exactly hurt, just he was amazed it all fit, feeling like perhaps it wasn’t meant to fit. 

Bucky stopped when he was as far in as he was going to go. He went back to nuzzling Steve’s neck. His hand came between them, reaching to rub Steve’s clit gently. That took Steve’s mind off the stretch, and he moaned softly. Bucky smiled a little against his skin, and Steve knew he was trying to make sure that Steve wasn’t hurting. It did help him relax, and he must have gotten wetter as he did, because when Bucky slid out a little the slide seemed easier. 

Slowly Bucky built up a rhythm of rocking his hips, and slowly Steve found it was easier to accommodate each time Bucky thrust back in. It wasn’t long until the discomfort was forgotten, and Steve was pushing into each soft roll of the hips. He realised that he’d closed his eyes, opening them to see Bucky looking down at him like he was the night sky. 

“You’re gorgeous.” Bucky whispered. Steve hoped it felt good for him too, that it wasn’t too tight or anything. He couldn’t find words right now, so he pulled Bucky down into a loving kiss. Their hips moved together, slowly and gently, nothing too much for either of them. Steve decided this was definitely worth the small amount of discomfort to even just feel this close to Bucky. 

Slowly they built the pace a little, still gently but just a little more urgent. Bucky’s hand returned to Steve’s breast, massaging gently, continuing to rub his clit a little more firmly. Steve moaned an encouragement. 

They moved together for a while, and Steve felt the warm building in his stomach. It didn’t always happen when they were together, which he didn’t mind, Bucky didn’t always get to finish either. But with so many things going on, Steve’s voice became a little more breathy, whispering Bucky’s name softly. His movement got a little twitchy, and Bucky picked up on what was going on. He moved a little more firmly, pushing Steve to the edge. 

Steve gasped and clung to Bucky, rolling through the waves as they washed over him. He heard Bucky grunting as Steve clenched up a little, but the other man didn’t complain. It only took a second or two for Steve to relax back into the pillow, gasping for air in a way that didn’t make his lungs tight. 

When he focussed, he could see Bucky looking down at him, still and with his hands either side of Steve. He nodded a little. 

“You can keep going.” Steve whispered. 

“I don’t have to, not if you’re-“ 

“I want you to.” Steve assured him. “Please.” 

Bucky smiled a little, kissing him while he started moving again. It didn’t take him much longer until he was pushing a little harder. It still felt good for Steve, and he watched Bucky’s face as he came closer. Steve loved to watch Bucky climax, no barriers between what he was feeling and what he was showing. 

Bucky pushed fully into him, drawing a soft grunt from Steve to match the one Bucky himself made, shuddering a little as he came. Steve didn’t take his eyes off Bucky’s face, smiling at the pure emotion he saw there. 

Bucky slowly pulled out, carefully getting the condom off and pulling away to throw it into the bin. He flopped down beside Steve, who had a dopey grin on his face. 

“I love you,” Steve whispered, making Bucky look at him. 

“I love you more than anything.” Bucky whispered, coming to kiss him firmly. “You are the most gorgeous, amazing, wonderful human out there.” Steve kissed him back smiling. 

“You think we could do that again some time?” He whispered against Bucky’s lips. Bucky chuckled a little. 

“I swear,” He whispered, “I’m the luckiest guy in the world. My present can’t stand up to that.” Steve chuckled.

“What’d’ya get me?” He asked softly

“Not telling, I wrapped it special.” Bucky said, grinning so wide it looked like he couldn’t stop. 

-

They spent the day lazily, Steve opening the present of new pencils and a small sketch pad before a small lunch and lots of lying around. When it started to get dark, they headed up onto the roof to watch the fireworks across the city, holding hands the entire time. 

Right then, Steve couldn’t think of anything that could possibly go wrong. Everything was perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for this chapter:  
> Sex, mild discomfort during sex


	8. Fighting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there  
> I know it's technically 1am, but I'm going to count this as three chapters in one day to make up for yesterday  
> Remember to check the notes at the end for any TWs  
> Thanks for reading

On the 1st September 1939, Germany invaded Poland. Two days later, the UK and France declared war on Germany. Steve and Bucky listened to this huddled around their wireless. The announcer said that there was no response from the USA, that they weren’t at war, but Europe was.

Bucky came home that night to find Steve with sign up papers on the table. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” He asked, pulling the papers away. 

“You know as well as I do that we’re gonna end up in this war.” Steve said, grabbing the papers back. “They’re gonna need soldiers.”

“Are you crazy?” Bucky said, voice raising a little in panic. “No way. No way in hell.” 

“It’s not your decision.” Steve snapped. “You don’t get to control me.”

“But the police could. When they do a physical exam? Or shared showers?” Bucky didn’t look angry, he looked scared. “We only just manage to keep it a secret here, there’s no way to keep it in the army.” 

A silence went between them, Steve looking down at the papers. 

“I want to do something.” He said after a while, his voice smaller. 

“I know you do Stevie. But there ain’t nothing you can do locked up in a padded room.” Bucky said softly, moving forward to hold him. “Please don’t do anything stupid.” 

“I don’t think I can promise that Buck.” Steve said softly. He heard Bucky swallow hard. 

“Then promise me you won’t put yourself in danger.” Bucky whispered. “Please.” Steve stayed quiet, and Bucky pulled back to look at him. “Steve?” He said. “Promise me.” Steve just looked away. Bucky let go of him, backing away. 

“I’ve got to try Buck.” Steve said softly.

“No you don’t,” Bucky said, a hint of anger coming into his eyes. “We’re not even at war Steve! They don’t need the extra soldiers, not now. They’ll screen you and they’ll see what you are and they’ll take you away. No question. All you’ll be doing is leaving me.” Bucky’s voice broke a little on the last few words. 

“This isn’t about you,” Steve said, not sure why Bucky would even try guilt tripping him like that. 

“It should be.” Bucky said. “Not entirely, it’s your life, but I’m a part of your life and you’re a part of mine. I should get at least some consideration when you’re planning on outing yourself to everyone and getting yourself arrested, never mind what they’ll pin on me for helping you keep it a secret.”

Steve had heard enough. He threw the papers down on the table, going into the bedroom and slamming the door. He wanted to shout and he wanted to cry and he wanted to hit something, but he ended up just curling up into a ball. 

Because Bucky was right about all of it. They’d never take him, he’d end up in a cell with them shocking his brain til he said he was a girl. Maybe it would work, it might make everything easier if he was just a girl and he came back and married Bucky and was just normal. 

He pulled a pillow close and screamed into it. He couldn’t let that happen, even if it did work it wouldn’t be him, they’d take Steve out and leave him empty and that would be worse than just living in a cell. He ended up sobbing into the pillow instead of screaming. They’d arrest Bucky for something or other, just to punish him. And they’d never get to see each other again. Was it worth all that, to say he’d tried? Probably not, but he couldn’t help but want.

Steve heard the door opening behind him, not looking up. He felt the bed dip as Bucky sat on it, stroking a hand down his side. 

“I just want you to be safe.” Bucky said softly. “And I know it’s not my job to keep you safe, but you get in enough fights around here. I don’t want you doing anything that I can’t patch up and kiss better.” 

Steve couldn’t find the words to reply just yet, so he pulled Bucky close, letting him wrap himself around Steve’s trembling body. 

“Hush, baby, it’s okay, I’ve got you.” Bucky whispered, kissing the back of his neck and letting Steve cry it out. Steve clung to his arms. Bucky was the one thing he had. No family, no possessions to speak of, no way of doing anything good worthwhile with his life, but he had Bucky. He couldn’t lose him, not for nothing. 

“I won’t sign up.” he whispered. They weren’t even at war. This might all just pass over. 

-

Steve started getting in more fights, seeming determined to fight his own war. He always had a black eye or bruised rib or bloody lip. Steve was taking his frustration at being stuck, not in the army, out on any unpleasant people in the immediate vicinity, always with a good reason to start the fight in his eyes at least. Bucky patched up what he could, but one punch to the chest set Steve’s breathing off wrong and they had to go to the doctor. 

Steve knew he should have been more careful. He’d been a couple of times for basic illnesses, stuff they could give him medicine for just from him describing the symptoms. But now they needed to listen to his chest and examine him. He’d put up any resistance he could, but he could hardly breathe and he was relying on Bucky to fight his corner. 

They had him lying down hooked up to an oxygen machine while he tried to breathe as slowly as he could. 

“Do I need to remind you that you’re not technically allowed in here Mr Barnes.” The doctor said as Bucky protested a physical exam. 

“No, doc, just he’ll be real sore. You don’t wanna go poking round making it worse.” Bucky said, grasping at straws. 

“Poking around is sort of what I do, as the actual doctor in the room.” The man said, obviously annoyed. “I’m going to listen to his chest, then I may need to do a physical exam or your friend’s lungs may be irreversibly damaged.”

“We can’t afford it.” Bucky said quickly. “To cut right to the point, we ain’t got enough money for all of that, no way to pay you.” 

That stopped the doctor in his tracks. He considered the situation for a moment. 

“I’ll listen and see what I can do. It might be unavoidable if you don’t want him to be hooked up to that machine forever.” The doctor said, slightly more apologetically now that he thought he was getting Steve into debt. Steve tried to focus on his relaxed breathing while considering that next time he may be strapped to the table with someone telling him they were going to fix his brain. 

The doctor got out his stethoscope, lifting up Steve’s shirt to listen to the lower half of his lungs, Steve trying not to show that he was more tense than he had ever been in his life. 

“Steven, do you have asthma?” The doctor asked. Steve nodded. “Have you had any prescribed medication in the last month or so?” Steve shook his head. He knew the look in the doctor’s eyes was no where near the look Bucky must be giving him. “I’ll prescribe you some, and you need to take it whenever your chest starts feeling tight. It should clear this up soon.” He walked back to the desk to start to write out his notes. “I’ll get you a nebulizer and bulb, you can buy the medication over the counter at the drug store.” He wrote the name of it down for Bucky to take. “Make sure he always has a good supply, just in case.” 

Steve was given a dose of the medicine and told not to be so reckless with his own health, allowed to leave once his breathing went back to normal. 

“What the hell Steve?” Bucky said as they got back. “You just stopped taking your medication? What was going through your mind?”

“I ran out.” Steve said, voice still husky even though his breathing was much less wheezy. “And we were low on money, and they might not even give it to me without the prescription. I’d have to get a prescription in my name. Last time that involved a lot of… probing.” He kicked his shoes off. “It wasn’t worth the risk.” 

“Wasn’t worth the risk? Steve you could have died.” Bucky said, hanging up his coat and trying to let he weight from the day lift off his shoulders. 

“And if I’d gone in for a prescription they’d want to probe around like last time.” Steve said with a huff, like Bucky wasn’t getting something obvious. “Oh sorry Doc, yeah I’ve got breasts, can I have my medication? No, you’re sending me to a psych ward.” He shook his head and took his new bag of medication through to the bedroom. At least he had a way of getting more now, the doctors note would mean they’d let him buy it at the drug store. 

He came back out to see Bucky looking like he’d been dragged through hell, which he sort of had today with Steve almost dying. 

“I’m fine,” Steve said, much more gently, coming to take his hand. “They sorted it, I got more medication, we’re all alright.” 

Bucky sighed softly, pulling Steve close and kissing his hair. 

“I just wish you weren’t so reckless,” He said softly. “You need to take care of yourself Stevie. I need to know I won’t come home one day to the news that you got into some stupid, avoidable accident and didn’t survive.” 

“You won’t.” Steve said. “I always get back up, alright? None of the idiots out there are going to knock me down for good.” 

“That better be a promise, punk.” Bucky said softly.

“It is.” Steve whispered. “I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for this chapter:  
> Discussions of electroshock therapy, asthma attack


	9. Choosing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there
> 
> So I wrote this chapter and the next chapter together, as I'd originally intended for them to be one chapter. However they got a bit long, and I generally try to keep each chapter under 2k, so you've got two shorter chapters instead.
> 
> I'm going to apologise now, these chapters are not for faint hearted
> 
> Remember to check the notes at the end for any TWs (especially applicable to this chapter and the next)
> 
> Thanks for reading

Steve was in heaven. Bucky wrapped between his legs, watching him as he chased the climax that was so close. Steve forced his eyes to stay open to watch Bucky’s face as it started to contort in pleasure, slamming forward one more time into Steve. 

They’d settled into a comfortable place, making love every few nights, keeping a small tin of rubbers in the bedside table. Steve had found that it took less and less time for him to get used to the stretch of Bucky inside him, and now there was next to no discomfort at all. Like this they could forget about the world around them, not worry about it for just a little while.

Steve watched Bucky as he came down from the high, stroking his cheek gently. Bucky slowly pulled out, getting rid of the condom and crawling back to kiss over Steve’s chest. 

“You didn’t…?” He whispered, looking up at Steve.

“No,” Steve replied with a shake of his head, a small smile still on his lips. Bucky grumbled softly.

“Well that won’t do,” He muttered, kissing down lower until he was between Steve’s legs. Steve hummed happily, hooking one over his shoulder. 

Bucky dove in, not starting gentle as they’d been at this for a while. He sucked on his clit and pushed a finger inside, drawing a throaty groan from Steve. It wasn’t long until his leg clamped around Bucky’s shoulder and he muffled his cries in his own hand, shuddering until he slowly relaxed down.

“You’re getting better at that,” Steve whispered as Bucky crawled back up him. 

“Well I’m getting a lot of practise.” Bucky teased, kissing Steve slowly before rolling to lie beside him. Steve grinned and cuddled into his side. 

“That ain’t a bad thing.” He whispered, kissing Bucky’s neck. 

“It’s a very good thing.” Bucky said with a grin.

-

Steve didn’t scare easily. He faced bullies twice his size and had been hiding his secret for almost a year. But right now, he was scared.

He hadn’t been too worried when his first period was late, but then it got later and later, and eventually it was fair to say it just didn’t come. The signs had been there, cramping, tiredness, tender breasts, but he hadn’t bled at all. He tried to ignore it, but then one morning he woke up and had to run, only just making it to the toilet before throwing up. He tried to think about what he could have eaten, but he knew it wasn’t that. Somewhere in his heart he knew what this was. 

Bucky came through shortly after, sitting down next to him and rubbing his back gently. 

“What’s up, punk?” He asked quietly. “Eat something bad?”

Steve shook his head a little, trying to stay still so the nausea didn’t come back. He tried to breathe steadily, but he could feel the fear rising in his gut. 

“Buck…” He whispered, reaching for his hand. He felt Bucky lace his fingers through Steve’s, comforted by the small contact at least. What the hell was he going to do? “I think I’m pregnant.” 

“What?” Bucky said, seeming genuinely confused. “But we-… We use protection. Every time. We’re careful.” Steve rested his head against the toilet seat, not sure whether it was his nerves making him want to throw up this time. 

“I know, maybe one of them was dud...” Steve whispered. “I don’t know for sure… but I didn’t bleed this month.” 

“And you didn’t tell me?” Bucky said, looking about as terrified as Steve felt. 

“Sometimes they come later or earlier, I was hoping…” Steve had been praying it was wrong. He felt another wave of nausea hit, and he grabbed the edge of the toilet bowl before throwing up again. He gasped for breath, and Bucky passed him some tissue to wipe his mouth. He was shaking a little, brain not quite comprehending what was happening. 

“I can’t have a baby.” He whispered. “I can’t- I’d need to go to the doctor. Everyone will know. We can’t even afford a baby.” His voice was tight and panicked, and Bucky pulled him to his chest.

“It’s okay. We’ll work something out.” Bucky whispered. “It’ll be okay.” 

“I have to get rid of it.” Steve said quickly. “Fast. I can’t start to show, no one can know Buck. I’ll have to find someone who’ll get rid of it.” Not only that, someone who won’t tell that a man came in to get an abortion. 

“You’re panicking,” Bucky said softly. “Breathe sweetheart. Get your heart rate down then we’ll talk about what we’ll do.” 

“There isn’t any other option!” Steve said, trying to pull away to look at him properly. “I can’t have a baby!”

“It’s dangerous, Steve.” Bucky said, letting him go. “For so many reasons. But we need to talk about this once you’ve calmed down.” 

“How can I calm down, there’s a baby in me and I’m trying to convince the world I’m a boy!” Steve said. He drew a shaking breath before beginning to sob into Bucky’s chest. “I can’t have a baby.” He whispered, voice ragged.

Bucky just held him, probably guessing that there wasn’t anything he could say to make this better. He gently got Steve to his feet, cleaning him off and helping him back to bed. Eventually the blond drifted back into sleep, hoping that this was all a bad dream. 

Bucky was still there when Steve woke up, awake but holding him while he slept. Steve frowned up at the clock. 

“Buck you’re gonna be late for work,” he mumbled, swallowing thickly.

“I’m taking the day off,” Bucky said. “And so are you.” He kissed the back of Steve’s head before letting him roll over to face him. 

“We’ll get in trouble.” Steve said.

“We’ll tell them we were sick, ate something bad last night.” Bucky said. “I’ll put in extra hours at the docks later in the week. Right now we’re staying right here. We’re gonna work this out.” 

“It’s got to go, nothing to work out.” Steve said, a least calmer now than he had been before. “People can’t know I’m pregnant, we can’t bring up a baby. There’s no other option.” 

“Stevie,” Bucky said softly. “What you’re talking about, it’s dangerous. People die getting babies taken out.”

“People die having babies too.” Steve said. “Except one of those involves everyone knowing what I am and the police coming after me, and who knows what happening to the kid. It’s kinder that it never gets to live.” The sincerity in Steve’s eyes was hard to argue against. “I don’t want to have this baby, and having it will get me locked up.”

“Maybe not.” Bucky said softly. “Stevie, listen. I’m not trying to force you to have it. I’m just scared. I don’t want you dying on a table with some doctor cutting you up.” 

“I don’t want that either, but what else can we do?” Steve said, the edge of panic entering his voice again.

“Stevie, listen. I’ve been thinking.” Bucky said, his voice calmer than the look in his eyes. “We move away. When you start to show we head out somewhere else for a few months. We make you into Jessie, just for that long. Get doctor’s appointments, pretend we’re married. They’ll deliver the baby and we can give it to an orphanage. Then we’ll come home and it’ll all be over.” 

“You say it like it’ll be easy.” Steve said, disbelieving. “I don’t want to pretend to be a girl for a few months, watch myself get bigger and bigger. I don’t want to be Jessie. And I don’t want to be pregnant. Men don’t get pregnant Bucky.” The last sentence was said as a plead more than an argument.

“Oh Stevie.” Bucky said softly. “This doesn’t make you less of a man, okay? I still know you’re a man, and everyone else out there does.” 

“But they won’t if I’m pregnant, if we move away and I put on dresses again. No Buck, I can’t do it.” Steve said, rubbing at his eyes so he didn’t cry, his voice getting thick. “I can’t go back to it.” Bucky swallowed hard, but he kissed Steve’s head softly. 

“This is your decision sweetheart.” He whispered. “It’s your body. And if you’re sure… I’ll help you find a doctor.” 

“Thank you.” Steve breathed, a little shakily but still in control. 

“We’ll have to wait a little longer to be sure,” Bucky said softly. “And I don’t know how far along you have to be…”

“We’ll find out once we’ve found a doctor.” Steve said softly. “As long as I can hide it.” 

Bucky wrapped himself back around Steve, and Steve nuzzled into the warm comfort. They’d get this sorted, and he’d never think of it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for this chapter:  
> Unwanted pregnancy, discussion of abortions


	10. Hurting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there
> 
> I'd always planned to have the last chapter and this in here, it was actually what sparked the idea for the whole thing in my head. I'll just say this, we're not at the end yet.
> 
> Remember to check for TWs in the notes at the end (especially this chapter, although I've now put the big ones in the tags)
> 
> Thanks for reading

It took a few weeks, but eventually Steve came home with an address on a piece of paper. He’d only been getting more signs of being pregnant, no bleeding. It was safe to say he was sure by now.

“I need to be at this address tomorrow afternoon.” Steve said, pushing the slip of paper over to Bucky. “They’ll talk me through it, and no one else will be there so no one will tell.” Bucky looked at the paper, brows furrowed.

“You sure the doctor won’t tell either?” He asked. 

“What, that he performed an illegal abortion on someone dressed as a man?” Steve said. “If he’s got a problem with it, he just won’t do it, and I’ll find someone else.” Bucky nodded a little, putting the paper back down and taking a deep breath. 

“Tomorrow afternoon? That’s soon.” He said softly. “Will they- Right then?” Steve shook his head. 

“They’ve got to talk to me first, check I’m doing it for the right reasons.” Steve said, seeming annoyed it would take longer. “The guy seems like a decent person, he’s really trying to help people. He’ll have to fit me in for-… the procedure- you know, just whenever he can fit. I’ll be back before you get home from work.” 

“I’m going with you.” Bucky said firmly, a little surprised that Steve would think otherwise. “No way am I letting you go somewhere like that alone.”

“Buck, you’ve got to be at work.” Steve said. “It’s fine, I’ll be fine. It’s just a consultation, no operation yet.” 

“I’m still going with you. It’s not going to be a safe place Steve.” Bucky sighed softly. “Just for my peace of mind.” 

“Fine, you can come.” Steve said. “But you’ll see, it’s basically nothing.” 

-

Steve lay in bed, looking at the appointment slip he’d gotten three weeks ago and stroking his lower stomach. They’d apologised for the long wait, but he knew that in one week and four days, he wouldn’t be pregnant any more. There were a lot of mixed emotions about that. He wasn’t showing yet, no bump to speak of, but he was considering finding a bra to stop the soreness, moving his belt to the next hole down. Not that he should be worried about hurting the baby, it was going to be gone soon. 

He put the slip down, taking his hand away from his stomach, as Bucky climbed into bed with him, cuddling close. Bucky had been at work a lot, trying to get in the extra hours so he could take the day off again with Steve, never mind that they needed the money desperately. Steve had gone into his savings, something he only did when they had no other choice. He wasn’t going to make Bucky work himself to death in order to pay off an illegal doctor.

They both weren’t talking about the risks involved. The place had been clean, the man was a real doctor, it seemed like the safest road they could go down even if it came at a price. 

Bucky was already snoring, and Steve kissed his check gently, knowing that he must have been exhausted. He closed his own eyes, sleeping lightly.

He woke only a few hour later, a sharp pain in his stomach. He grit his teeth, moving and crying out, waking Bucky. 

“What? Steve?” He mumbled as he woke up. He leaned to turn on the light, seeing that the sheets under Steve were red. “Steve?” Bucky asked, a lot more panicked.

Steve tried to move again, but it hurt too much. He bit his lip to muffle cries, curling up to try and stop it hurting. 

“I’m getting the doctor.” Bucky said, scrabbling out of bed. “I’ll be right back, I promise. But I gotta get the doctor.”

“Don’t leave me,” Steve cried. He didn’t want to be alone, what if Bucky didn’t come back in time. “No Bucky don’t leave me.” He reached towards him but Bucky was pulling on his coat. 

“We need the doctor.” He said. “I love you, I’ll be back soon. Just try not to move.” And with that he left.

Steve held a pillow to his face, sobbing and half screaming as he lay alone, the most scared he’d ever been in his life. It felt like forever before he heard a car pulling up outside, Bucky unlocking the door and letting the doctor in, the one who’s appointment was only one week and four days away. He was wearing his pyjamas with a white coat over the top.

“Steven, I’m going to need you to lie on your back and get your knees up.” He said, opening the large bag he’d brought with him. Bucky helped him roll over, stroking his forehead and whispering that it was all going to be alright. 

Steve stayed looking at Bucky, only half feeling what the doctor was doing to him. Slowly the pain went down, still hurting but not blindingly. Steve managed to get his breathing back down, Bucky helping him with his asthma medication. 

“It’s okay baby, it’s okay, you’re okay.” Bucky whispered, stroking his hair. Steve risked a look down at the doctor. 

“What happened?” He asked, his voice hoarse. 

“You miscarried.” The doctor said. “You’re okay, there’s no obvious signs that you’re in danger.” Steve could hear Bucky breathe a sigh of relief at that. “The bleeding’s returning to a normal menstrual level, it should stop over the next few days. If it doesn’t, or if anything else seems wrong, come and see me outside of hours.” He brought a sheet up to cover Steve. “For now, I suggest a warm bath and a long rest.” There was no point apologising for the miscarriage, Steve hadn’t wanted the baby anyway, but there was still sadness in the doctor’s eyes. 

“Thank you,” Steve whispered, clutching the pillow a little tightly. Bucky stood up, leading the doctor out of the room. They had a hushed discussion before Bucky paid the doctor a small amount for his time and showed him out. 

Steve didn’t know what to feel. He’d wanted it gone and it was, but like this? He lowered a hand to stroke his lower stomach. He felt like he’d failed, like he’d killed it, him, her. It shouldn’t matter, but through the adrenaline and the pain and the fear, he had no idea what he was feeling. He sniffed, finding his eyes were stinging. He wasn’t sobbing in fear any more, but a tear escaped his eye anyway. 

“Hey baby,” Bucky said softly as he came back into the room. “I’ve got the tub out and I’ve started heating some water. I’ll get you in there and then I’ll change the sheets.” 

Steve just nodded, not even looking at Bucky. 

“Sweetheart.” Bucky said softly. “I’m sorry.” He came to sit on the edge of the bed, stroking Steve’s hair. The broke the wall, and Steve started to cry properly. “I’m so sorry Stevie.” Bucky whispered, kissing his forehead. 

-

Steve watched a women come into the shop with her new born baby girl right at the end of his shift. He was back at work, having taken a week off for a death in the family. He couldn’t make up an illness that severe without a doctor’s note, and some small part of him felt like it wasn’t a lie. The week had mostly been spent lying down and trying to work out whether he was sad or not. He’d not had to have the abortion, but he felt like he’d lost something, control mostly. It hadn’t been his choice in the end.

He smiled at the woman, walking forward and looking into the pram. His heart tugged a little as he saw the baby was sleeping. 

“I’m just looking to pick up some milk powder.” The woman said with a small smile. “It’s a blessing she’s asleep, I tell you. She can scream the place down at a moment’s notice.” Steve hoped there was no sadness in his smile. 

“She’s gorgeous.” Steve said softly. “How old?”

“Twelve weeks.” The lady said with a smile. “She’s already growing so fast. Before I know it she’ll have a family of her own.” She looked over Steve. “Do you have any?”

“Kids, no.” Steve said, shaking his head and unable to keep his eyes off the baby. “Haven’t met a girl who’d want me around that long.” 

“I’m sure you will,” She said, smiling kindly at him. “And I’ll tell you, they’re not easy to have, but it’s the best feeling in the world.” Steve smiled back up at her and nodded. 

“I’ll go get you that milk powder.” He said, knowing the smile wasn’t reaching his eyes. He put his broom to the side and went to search through the shelves, not letting himself get too upset. It had all worked out in the end, it was safer this way. He told himself that a few times before walking back, smile back in place. 

“Will this type do?” He asked. 

“Yes, that’s perfect.” The woman said. “How much will that be?”

Steve looked over her. She was obviously tired, her dress had been re-hemmed several times and the pram looked a decade old. She wasn’t wealthy. 

“It’s on me.” Steve said, handing it over. It didn’t cost much, he’d put his own money in the till. “A late congratulations present.” He said with a kind smile that was much more genuine. The woman looked touched. 

“Thank you.” She said. “That’s very kind.” She nodded her head and turned the pram around. “Have a wonderful day.” She said, leaving the shop. 

Steve waved her off before clocking off. It had all worked out for the best, it was easier this way. He rubbed his lower stomach gently, everything was back to normal and they hadn’t had to go back to the doctor. He was safe, Bucky was safe. They’d be okay. It already hurt his heart less than it had, he’d be back to normal in no time.

Bucky was waiting for him when he got home, smiling and already getting dinner out of the oven. 

“Hey sweetheart.” He said softly. “How was work?”

“Good,” Steve said. “I’m fine.” Because he knew that was what Bucky was really asking. And because despite everything, he thought it was actually true. He'd made his choice, even if it hadn't happened in the way he'd planned, and he knew it was the right choice to make. He wasn't feeling good, but he was fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for this chapter:  
> Unwanted pregnancy, talk of abortion, miscarriage


	11. Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there  
> Please do kudos or comment if you like it, it's what keeps me going  
> Remember to look at the notes at the end for TWs  
> Thanks for reading

It’s funny how quickly time goes when nothing changes. Steve’s heart healed, and he put it behind him. He knew some people stayed sad for years, perhaps forever, but those were people who wanted children. Steve didn’t. 

His miscarriage had changed a few things between him and Bucky. It had taken them a while before they were intimate again and even months later neither of them were confident enough to have sex. They went back to what they had been doing, and it made both of them happy, a hand or a mouth bringing the other to climax.

In the beginning it had changed how Bucky acted around him, a lot more protective than he ever had been, but that had faded in time. Steve was still Steve, and Bucky had to accept that came with the small amount of recklessness he secretly loved. 

One night, when Bucky’s kisses were soft and lazy and not meant to lead anywhere, Steve pulled back to look at him.

“Do you think it was meant to happen?” He asked softly. “Do you think it’s all planned in advance?”

“That’s a big question Stevie,” Bucky whispered. “Why’d’ya ask?” Steve chewed on his lip a little. 

“Looking back on it, you know, when I lost the baby… It hurt at the time but now? It’s almost a relief.” Steve said, feeling a little guilty as the words came out. 

“Well that’s understandable.” Bucky said. 

“Really? You don’t think it makes me… I don’t know, heartless?” Steve asked. 

“No, baby, you’re not heartless. I would know.” Bucky said. “But you didn’t want a baby, it wouldn’t have been safe. And nature made it so you wouldn’t have one. You’re not heartless for finding that a relief.” 

Steve nodded, processing that. He’d been feeling guilty over that for a while, but Bucky did make sense. 

“Thank you.” He whispered. “I think… I don’t know. I think I moved on a while ago, I just felt bad about it, like I was supposed to mourn or something.” 

“There was nothing to mourn,” Bucky said. “There was a potential inside you and then it disappeared. That’s all. I promise.” Steve felt the weight lifting off his shoulders.

“Good.” Steve said softly. “That’s good.” Bucky kissed his hair, holding him close until he fell asleep. 

After that Steve didn’t feel bad any more, didn’t let guilty thoughts push into his mind. He wasn’t going to let his life be defined by a couple of months, he was stronger than that. He never forgot it happened, but it wasn’t in his mind most days, and when he did think about it he wasn’t sad, he was relieved that nature had saved him.

-

“You don’t need to coddle me,” Steve said with a huff as Bucky cleaned his grazed knuckles. The time had gone quicker still, and it was winter again. Bucky had gotten a promotion at work and they’d just come home from what was supposed to be a celebration lunch, and Steve was sat on the toilet seat having his wounds tended to.

“You’re the one who punched a wall.” Bucky said, rolling his eyes. 

“I didn’t mean to.” Steve said. “He ducked, the bastard.” 

“I don’t think avoiding a punch to the face makes anyone a bastard.” Bucky said, rolling his eyes. “Are you sure nothing’s broken.”

“I’m sure.” Steve said. “And he was following some girls, trying to scare them. That makes him a bastard.” 

“Fair point,” Bucky said, kissing Steve’s forehead. “And then you scared him off by punching a wall?”

“I scared him off by shouting what he was doing.” Steve said. “Guy was a coward.” 

“Well cowards are good ones to fight Stevie,” Bucky said. “You don’t get nearly as hurt. And everyone walks out okay.”

“Including the guy who did it.” Steve said with a sigh. He pulled back his hand as Bucky finished cleaning it. 

“You don’t have to bring every bad person to justice, punk.” Bucky said with a small smile. 

“I should do as much as I can though.” Steve said. 

“Not in December.” Bucky said. “It’s too cold and your lungs will mess up. Wait til spring to play the hero.” 

“But the longer nights means there’s more chance for the bad people to do bad things.” Steve said, seeing the look in Bucky’s eyes. 

“I don’t want you in hospital for Christmas.” Bucky said. “Let me have that, let me have Christmas with my boyfriend.” 

“I won’t get put in hospital.” Steve said. “You know I hate those places.” 

“Hating them won’t stop them taking you there if you get beat too much.” Bucky said. He kissed Steve’s forehead. “Besides, your face is especially handsome right now, wouldn’t want anyone bruising it up.” 

“Are you trying to sweet talk me?” Steve said, only pretending to be annoyed. 

“Is it working?” Bucky asked with a chuckle. 

“Maybe a little.” Steve said, grinning. 

Bucky bit his lip a little, walking two fingers up Steve’s thigh which Steve promptly swatted away. 

“We were going dancing tonight, weren’t we?” Steve said with a smirk.

“That plan sort of went down the pan when you started a fight with a wall.” Bucky teased. 

“It doesn’t have to.” Steve said. He stood up and took Bucky’s hand. “Come on, you can lead. We’ll turn on the wireless, see what’s on.” He took Bucky’s hand and pulled him back through to the main room. He let go to fiddle with the wireless, only finding soft music. 

“Wanna slow dance with me?” He teased, turning back to face Bucky. 

“Anything that means I get to hold you.” Bucky said, reaching his hand back out for him.

They wrapped themselves in each other’s arms, swaying softly to the gentle music. It wasn’t much to dance to, but they could get a little movement in. After barely any time Bucky leaned down to kiss Steve softly. 

Suddenly the music stopped and was replaced by a crackly voice. Steve pulled back a little, and they both looked at the radio. 

“We interrupt this program to bring you a special news bulletin. The Japanese have attacked Pearl Harbour, Hawaii by air, President Roosevelt has just announced. The attack also was made on any naval and military activities…” 

The voice continued to describe the attack, going to other reporters to give more details. Steve’s hand came up to his mouth. 

“… A Japanese attack upon Pearl Harbour naturally would mean war. Such an attack would naturally bring a counter attack…” 

“Oh my god.” Steve breathed.

“We’re at war.” Bucky whispered. 

The broadcast continued on to describe other attacks as they happened, before drawing to a close.

“We return you now to New York and we will give you further information as it comes along from the White House. We return you now to New York.”

The radio went silent, and Steve moved forward to turn it off. He turned to look at Bucky, shocked into place. He walked forward and wrapped his arms around Bucky’s middle, clinging on, repeating his words back to him.

“We’re at war.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for this chapter:  
> Discussion of miscarriage, discussion of war/bomings


	12. Signing Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there  
> Only one chapter today because I had a very stressful day at work, hope it's good enough to make up for it  
> Remember to check the end for TWs  
> Thanks for reading

Steve didn’t need to look up to know what look Bucky was giving him.

“You tried again?” Bucky said, disbelieving. 

“There was another station.” Steve said, shifting in his seat at the table. “I wanted to try.”

“There was a reason it didn’t work the first time.” Bucky said, shaking his head. “How did you avoid the physical?” 

“Faked an asthma attack.” Steve said. 

“Well they’re gonna give you a 4F for asthma alone!” Bucky exclaimed. 

“I know! I panicked.” Steve said. “They were telling me to take my shirt off and I didn’t know what else to do.”

“You should have walked out.” Bucky said. “No you shouldn’t have gone in at all. You can’t apply more than once, how did you even manage it?”

“I faked who I was.” Steve said. Bucky looked at him astounded. “What? It’s a fake name anyway. They would have picked it up the first time that Steve Rogers doesn’t exist.”

“What did you lie about?” Bucky said. “You know that’s illegal right? To lie on your form.”

“I was lying anyway, I just added that I was from Paramus.” Steve said. “They didn’t notice. I didn’t get examined. It’s fine.”

“I’m gonna have to get a leash for you,” Bucky said, slumping back in his chair. “Jesus Christ Steve, do you know how easily that could have gone wrong?”

“Of course I do.” Steve said. “I’m not stupid, alright?”

“Well then why did you try again?” Bucky demanded. “You weren’t going to magically transform into a perfect soldier. If they fail you once they’ll fail you no matter how many times you go in.”

“They’re gonna get desperate.” Steve said. “Soon they’ll just start accepting everyone who applies.” 

“And you’re gonna keep applying til they do?” Bucky asked. “Because you’re gonna get found out way before that. They’ll realise you’ve applied too many times, they’ll find out what you are, you’ll get locked up.”

“I know the risk, Buck” Steve said, standing up. “And I’m going to keep trying. And you can’t stop me.” He walked into the bedroom, slamming the door. A few minutes later Steve heard the front door open and close. Bucky had left. 

Steve was almost asleep when Bucky came back. He got out of his work boots quietly, taking off his pants and shirt and crawling in next to Steve. He smelt of cigarettes and booze.

“You been drinking?” Steve whispered. Bucky jumped a little, obviously he’d thought Steve was asleep. 

“I only had one.” Bucky whispered. “Just sat in the bar for a while.”

“That’s a long time to sit in a bar without drinking.” Steve whispered. 

“I went for a walk first.” Bucky whispered. “I needed to clear my head.”

“Well there ain’t anything in there so that shouldn’t have taken long.” Steve huffed, rolling over and closing his eyes. 

“Stevie-“

“You’re not my husband, Buck.” Steve said. “I’m not your wife, you don’t get to protect me.”

“What does it matter if we’re married or not?” Bucky asked. “I just-“

“You just want to keep me safe because you’re scared.” Steve said. “But I’m not scared. I want to help, I want to join up. And I’ll keep avoiding the physicals until they let me. And then I’ll find a way to hide it when I’m there.” 

Bucky went quiet for a while. Steve slowly turned back over, wondering if Bucky was asleep, perhaps he had drunk more than he said. He found Bucky looking at him.

“You can’t know that any of that will work out.” Bucky whispered. 

“I could get found out at any moment.” Steve said. “I could just be sat at home and someone says something and the police could be at our door to do a raid.” He sighed softly. “I’m just taking it into my own hands.” Bucky chewed on his lip, shaking his head. 

“I can’t stop you.” He said softly. “I don’t like it, but I can’t stop you.” Steve nodded a little. “Just do everything you can, okay? Stay safe, for me if not for yourself.”

“I will.” Steve said softly. “I’ll try. But I’m gonna get into the army somehow.” 

-

Bucky’s eyes were dark when Steve came home. He’d tried a third time and they’d both been in a bad mood about it but this was something more. 

“What’s happened?” He asked. Bucky handed him a letter. Steve read it quickly, pursing his lips. “So you’re going?”

“I don’t have a choice.” Bucky said softly, going to sit down on the couch.

“Well you were going to sign up anyway.” Steve said. “Weren’t you?”

“I don’t know Steve.” Bucky said. “I mean, I know I should have but… I don’t know.” Steve came to sit next to him, holding his hand. “I thought I’d at least have time to decide, but now I’ve got to go sign up in the next week.” He said softly. “I didn’t think it would happen so fast.” He pulled Steve close, kissing his head. “Thought you would get in before me.” 

“You didn’t think I’d get in at all.” Steve said. 

“Well… yeah.”

-

“I don’t understand why we’re spending your last day going on a date.” Steve said. 

“Because I wanna take you somewhere nice and this is the only way to do it.” Bucky said. He looked handsome in his uniform, but it made Steve’s heart hurt just to look at it, it meant Bucky was leaving. 

“We could just go. Who’s gonna notice us. It’s a science fair after all.” Steve said. 

“And then we’re going dancing.” Bucky said.

“No, you’re going dancing, and my date’s gonna ignore me and I’ll just have to watch you.” Steve said with a huff. 

“Well we’ll go to a bar after and get a little drunk and come home and I’ll make it all up to you.” Bucky said, kissing Steve softly.

“If you say so.” Steve mumbled.

“Come on. You look gorgeous.” Bucky said. “You know I’ll be thinking about you all night, I won’t even remember the girl’s name.” Steve sighed softly.

“Lets go.” Steve said. “Hopefully the girls get bored of us quick.”

-

Walking away from Bucky was hard, but Steve knew they’d get tonight together. Bucky didn’t want him to try again, but who knew when he’d get another opportunity. 

“Where are you from Mr Rogers.” Dr Erskine said. Steve felt like he was looking right through him, seeing every secret he had. He went to open his mouth as the doctor put five files down, all with his name on them.

“Is it New Haven? Or Paramus? Five different exams in five different cities.” Steve’s heart clenched in his chest. He’d been found out. “No it’s not the exams I’m interested in, it’s the five tries.”

The rest of the examination passed in a blur, but Steve seemed to pass the tests that Dr Erskine set and suddenly there was a 1A stamp on his form. 

“I have one thing to ask you Steven.” Dr Erskine said, handing it over. “You are obviously desperate for this opportunity. Why did you avoid the physical exam each of these five times?”

“I didn’t avoid it.” Steve said. “Things came up.” 

“Things came up fives times in a row?” The doctor said, looking at Steve in a way which made him really feel like he already knew. “How about you tell me the truth. That stamp is not going to remove itself.” Steve bit his lip. Dr Erskine seemed to believe in him, in a way that barely anyone did. 

“There’s something I couldn’t have them finding out.” He said, hoping that Dr Erskine would leave it at that. 

“Well Steven.” The doctor said. “I hope some day you trust me enough to tell me.” 

-

“I didn’t think you’d already be home.” Steve said as he closed the door behind him. 

“Well the girls realised I had someone else on my mind.” Bucky said. 

“Sorry I left you alone.” Steve said, coming to sit next to him on the couch. 

“No, you were right before we left, we wouldn’t have got the time together.” Bucky pressed a kiss on the top of Steve’s head. “You seem in high spirits.” Steve bit his lip.

“I got accepted.” He whispered. 

“What?” Bucky exclaimed. “How?”

“Try to sound less surprised.” Steve said, elbowing him in the ribs. “This doc, he knew I’d applied before. He’s put me on a special program.”

“A special program?” Bucky repeated. “I’m not sure I like the sound of that. And he didn’t… you know… find out.” 

“They didn’t examine me past some basic checks.” Steve said.

“What the hell have you gotten yourself into Stevie?” Bucky said, huffing out a breath.

“I’m gonna be a soldier Buck.” Steve said. “I’ll work out everything else in training I’m sure.” He smiled up at Bucky. “Now how about we go get that drink. I’d say we’re even now so you’ve got nothing to make up to me.” 

“Nah,” Bucky said. “I’d much rather stay right here, with you and only you.” 

Steve’s smile grew, and he leaned up to kiss Bucky softly. “Me too.” 

“Well when I say right here.” Bucky said with a smirk. “I meant closer to the bedroom.”

“I think I could agree to that.” Steve replied, pulling Bucky to his feet and out of the room.

-

Bucky seemed to be asleep, and Steve was tracing his chest with his finger tips, making sure he didn’t forget a single line of his body.

“That tickles.” Bucky mumbled, turning to smile at Steve. “You looking for another round?” Steve chuckled, shaking his head. 

“I’m more than satisfied.” He said. “You’re an expert by now.” 

“Well I’ll try not to forget all my tricks.” Bucky said with a smirk. “Not til I see you next.” 

“We might meet out there.” Steve said, although he knew it was optimistic. “If not I’ll see you back in this apartment the day we win the war.”

“Is that a promise?” Bucky whispered.

“Yeah.” Steve replied. “I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for this chapter:  
> Discussion of war


	13. Becoming Something Else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there  
> Another day with just one chapter I'm afraid, but I finished my internship today so I should be able to get this finished in the next week or so... If I don't think of one hundred more ideas...  
> Read the notes at the end for TWs  
> Thanks for reading

He’d managed to keep it hidden. 

Steve had trained with the other men, lagging behind a lot of the time but not about to give up. He’d met Agent Carter, and failed at talking to her, and then only missed Bucky more. He’d jumped on a grenade and retrieved a flag and here he was. He’d been selected. And tomorrow he was going to be a lab rat for a process that would make him into a soldier. Which meant having a physical exam.

“I want you to know that I’m only insisting because it’s absolutely necessary.” Dr Erskine said. 

“I know.” Steve said, still stood hesitantly near the door. 

“I can’t let you have the serum unless I am aware of all the risks.” The doctor continued, gesturing for Steve to sit on the examination table. “Would it be easier for you to tell me your secret, or should I simply find out?”

Steve sat down, shuffling a little. He didn’t even know how to start. 

“I- um…” He looked down. “I wasn’t born with… I don’t have a man’s body.” He said quietly. He looked up to see Dr Erskine frowning. 

“And yet you are a man?” He asked carefully, getting a firm nod in respone. 

“I just… I was born looking like a girl, with, you know, girls parts.” Steve had taken the chance, and he was pretty sure Dr Erskine wouldn’t tell him he was crazy. He might not let him be a soldier any more though.

“The serum cannot change that.” The doctor said. 

“I know, I don’t expect it to. But it will make me strong enough to be a soldier anyway, right?” Steve hoped it would. Maybe the serum was only meant for men. 

“It will.” Dr Erskine said. “It increases muscle mass, strength, speed. None of that is related to your parts.” He paused for a moment. “It will probably make you look more like a man, but I can’t guarantee.”

“I don’t need it to.” Steve said. “I just want to be useful, I don’t mind what I look like.” 

“But the army might.” Erskine said. “It won’t enhance any femininity, I don’t think. It enhances what you are inside, good or evil… But I am willing to take the risk.” 

Steve’s heart lifted and he gave the doctor a grateful smile. 

“Me too.” He said. “Thank you.”

-

Dr Erskine had been right. The serum hadn’t made him look like a man, as such. It had made him taller, more muscular, wider shoulders, more toned. It gave him everything people expected to see on a man and would be surprised to see on a woman. It had changed his physique a lot. His breasts were still there but they were dwarfed by his pectoral muscles. He was the same between the legs but who was going to see? They’d had to work around him wearing a vest for the procedure, but now even if he took it off people wouldn’t know.

If he grew his hair out and put on some make up, people would probably see the femininity in parts of him. However, dressed like this and presented as Steve Rogers, no one would doubt he was a man. 

And yet he still wasn’t taken. 

“I asked for an army and all I got was you.” Colonel Phillips said. “You are not enough.”

-

“Bet you’ve got a sweetheart back at home.” Gretta said, powdering her face as they got ready for the stage.

“It’s complicated.” Steve said, pulling on his boots. 

“With a face like yours?” Elsie chimed in. “You’re too good to string girls along Rogers.”

“And don’t give us the excuse that you didn’t always look like this.” Helda said. “If that was the problem then it wouldn’t be complicated.”

“Why’re you guys so interested?” Steve said, trying to shirk the topic. 

“We’ve told you about our boys.” Gretta pointed out. “Those of us that have them.”

“Well the answer is no,” Steve said. “I don’t have a sweetheart back at home.” 

“Then why’s it complicated? She not at home?” Betty said, fixing her helmet on.

“It’s complicated.” Steve said. “Come on, we have a show to do.” 

A chorus of chuckling went through the girls. 

“Never heard you eager for a performance.” Gretta said. “Come on, you’ve got hearts to break.” 

-

“What did you mean earlier?” Gretta asked, making Steve jump. 

“I thought you’d gone with the rest of the girls.” Steve said, earning a shrug. 

“That doesn’t answer my question.” Gretta said. 

“I said it was complicated.” Steve tried.

“I got time.” Gretta said, leaning against the door frame.

“I don’t get why you wanna know.” Steve said. “Not like it matters.” 

“I got a sweetheart back at home.” Gretta said. Steve raised his eyebrows, she hadn’t mentioned one when the girls had been talking before. 

“He not serving abroad?” Steve asked. Gretta smirked like Steve was missing something obvious. 

“Thought you might be like me.” Gretta said softly. “Cause it’s complicated, your sweetheart’s not at home. They might be abroad.” 

“What makes you say that?” Steve said, eyes wary. “Be like you how?”

“My sweetheart’s at home because she’s looking after her sick mother.” Gretta said. “She was gonna come on tour with us, you know, before you were here. But she couldn’t leave, not with her mother only getting worse.” Gretta looked down, looking like she’d gotten something big off her chest. She took a deep breath, and Steve watched her carefully, meeting her eyes as she looked back at him. “Is your sweetheart serving abroad? Is that why he’s not at home?”

 

It could be a trick, but the look in her eyes made Steve feel like it couldn’t be. He nodded a little. 

“He is.” He said softly. “He left the night I signed up. I thought I might see him out there.” 

Gretta smiled a little, nodding a little. 

“I’m sure he’s doing just fine out there.” She said. “And who knows, you might still see him when we ship out.” Steve frowned a little, looking at her in confusion. “What, have they not told you yet? We’re going out to perform for the troops. Your guy might get to see you in the outfit.” 

-

Steve knew it was a stupid idea. How was one guy gonna take on an entire enemy base? But he didn’t care, he needed to do something. He was confused about Peggy and confused about Howard, but overwhelmingly he was scared about Bucky and said anything that would take the focus off that. 

He jumped from the plane, knowing he’d survive. All he had to do was get the men, get Bucky, and call Peggy. They’d get out of this and Bucky would be safe. He just had to keep telling himself that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for this chapter:  
> Cissexism, war


	14. Commanding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there  
> Wow, big gap. Sorry I was moving yesterday and today was super busy, but I'm pretty sure this is the penultimate chapter. Unless I get a sudden wave of inspiration, I only have enough material left for one more. Eep.  
> Read the end for TWs  
> Thanks for reading

“Agent Carter seems nice.” Bucky said as they walked away from the bar. 

“She is.” Steve said with a small smile. Bucky grunted in response. “What?” Steve asked, looking over. 

“She seems to like you an awful lot is all.” Bucky said, an edge to his voice that Steve had never heard before. “And you seemed to like her an awful lot. Forgot I was there almost.” 

“Bucky…” Steve frowned at him. “Are you jealous?”

“Do I have a reason to be?” Bucky said, stopping and turning to face Steve. 

“What?” Steve asked, stopping as well. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well you seemed real chummy back there, talking about dancing and right partners and stuff.” Bucky said, his lips loosened a little by drink. “I thought I was your partner, I have been for a while now Stevie.” 

“You are.” Steve said. “I haven’t- I’ve not been doing anything with Peggy.” 

“You’d tell me if you had?” Bucky asked. He didn’t looked angry, worried if anything. “Cause if you tell me right now I won’t be mad. I just… you’re different now and I get that. I just wanna know.” 

“God Bucky,” Steve said, shaking his head. “I swear I haven’t done anything with her. I’m still me. I look different but I’m still me and I still love you.” 

“But you like her.” Bucky pushed. “More than you used to like girls.” 

“Alright, I like her.” Steve said with a huff. “You seen her, she was nice to me when everyone else was telling me I was useless.”

“And no one’s ever done that before.” Bucky said bitterly, turning and walking off. 

“Bucky you’re being ridiculous.” Steve said, following him. “I said I didn’t touch her. Ain’t nothing for you to be jealous about.” He realised that they were walking towards Steve’s own room, not Bucky’s. Obviously Bucky wanted to keep it between them. 

“What, you making eyes at her? Making plans? Acting like I wasn’t even there?” Bucky said as he got to Steve’s door, going straight inside. 

“Like you don’t do that on every double date we have.” Steve said, closing the door after him. “Like I haven’t had to watch you sweet talk a dozen girls.” 

“But you knew I was faking.” Bucky said. “That was to keep us safe, so no one came snooping into our business. This is different.” 

“How?” Steve asked. “She’s nice, I’m nice back. We like each other.” 

“You like each other a lot.” Bucky said, crossing his arms. 

“I like you more.” Steve said softly.

“And how long’s it gonna stay like that?” Bucky asked, a little of the fire coming out of his voice. “How long until you like her more? And I just get left behind?”

“That’s ridiculous.” Steve said. “Why would you even think that? Of course I flirted with her in the bar. What am I supposed to do? Tell her that the love of my life is stood beside me so it might get awkward?” 

Bucky softened a little. He walked forward, wrapping his arms around Steve’s waist. 

“I love you.” He whispered. “I love you more than anything and I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.” 

It was still a little odd, Bucky being smaller than him. Steve kissed the top of his head gently and held him close.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He whispered. “We made a promise, alright? We’re sticking together. Til the line ends.” 

Bucky chuckled a little at that.

“It’s til the end of the line you punk.” He teased. “We’ve been apart too long, you’re forgetting my sappy lines.” 

“Maybe you should remind me of them.” Steve whispered, getting Bucky to look up at him. 

“Well a lot of them don’t work now you’re big.” Bucky said. “But you’re still my doll.” 

“Good.” Steve said with a small smile. He’d been a little worried that Bucky wouldn’t like it, preferred his feminine body. “I wouldn’t want to be anything else.” He leaned down, meeting Bucky half way in a soft kiss. 

Bucky managed to move them towards the bed, getting them sitting at least. 

“Stevie?” He whispered, pulling back a little. “Can I- Do you mind if I ask about it?” 

“The serum?” Steve checked. 

“Yeah, just- I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m expecting.” Bucky looked suitably embarrassed. 

“You seem to be expecting me to take my clothes off.” Steve teased, getting a nudge from Bucky.

“You know what I mean.” Bucky said. “Did it- you know- change much else?”

“Well…” Steve said. “Apart from what you can see…” He looked away, not sure he could describe it without eye contact. “I still got lady parts if that’s what you’re asking, and they look mostly the same.” 

“Mostly?” Bucky asked. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want. I don’t have to see either. Just… if you want me to know.” 

“No it’s okay.” Steve said. “Just, details get a little embarrassing you know? I guess, um, well my clit is bigger.” That seemed to surprise Bucky.

“Bigger?” He repeated. “A lot bigger?”

“Not overly, just noticeably.” Steve said, looking anywhere but Bucky. 

“That’s from…” Bucky didn’t seem to know where to start.

“Well obviously it was meant for a guy’s body.” Steve said. “I don’t know, maybe it was supposed to make my dick bigger.” 

“And it did the best it could?” Bucky said. “It doesn’t matter.” He added. “I’m not gonna suddenly start finding it too weird or anything. You’re still gorgeous.” 

Steve smiled, leaning in to kiss him softly. Bucky didn’t need him to look like a girl, still found him gorgeous now, in a body that fit better than the other one ever could have. He felt Bucky kiss him back softly, a hand going to his waist to hold him.

“We don’t have to.” Bucky whispered. “Not if you’re not ready yet, if you need to get used to it first.” 

“I’m ready Buck.” Steve whispered. “It doesn’t matter that I’m different because I’m still with you.” He kissed over his jaw. “Til the end of the line, alright? No one else.” 

“Just us.” Bucky whispered, tipping his head up as Steve started to kiss his neck, starting to pull up his shirt. Bucky’s own hands went to Steve’s uniform, pulling at the buttons. 

They movement became a little more hurried as they realised how starved they were of each other’s touch. Steve’s jacket lay crumpled on the ground as Bucky’s pants got thrown to the side. Their mouths trailed over any exposed skin, desperate in a way they’d never been before. Bucky was exploring new territory while Steve was quick to trace the familiar planes of Bucky’s body. 

Bucky guided Steve back onto his back, grappling his pants off as Steve eagerly kicked them away. Bucky kissed down his stomach like he always did, feeling toned muscle rather than the soft dip that had been there before. 

He pulled Steve’s underwear off too, seeing what Steve was trying to describe. His clit was definitely more prominent, but Bucky didn’t hesitate. He ducked down quickly to suck it into his mouth. Steve groaned louder, feeling at Bucky licked and sucked with everything he had. 

“Oh god Buck,” He groaned. “Fuck, oh, just like that.” 

“I’ll wash your mouth out.” Bucky teased, pulling up for a second.

“Don’t stop,” Steve said. “Don’t fucking stop.” He heard Bucky chuckle before diving back in. Steve bit onto his hand out of habit, knowing they needed to be quiet. 

Bucky didn’t let up, rubbing a finger against his entrance and pushing in slowly once he felt that Steve was more than wet enough. He pushed Steve up to and over the edge with his mouth and his fingers, making Steve cry out into the pillow. It was brief but intense, leaving Steve panting for a second as Bucky smiled up at him. Steve pulled him up into a sloppy, uncoordinated kiss. 

“Well you don’t mess around.” Steve teased, getting his hand into Bucky’s own underwear, rolling them awkwardly on the single bed so that Bucky was below him. He wrapped his hand around Bucky’s length, kissing him as he began jerking him off. He swallowed Bucky’s soft groans, smiling against his lips. 

He slowed down a little, pulling back to watch Bucky’s face. It was just as beautiful as it always had been, contorted in pleasure as Steve rubbed a thumb over the tip. Steve pecked his lips once more before moving down to take Bucky in his mouth. He pushed back up to speed, sucking and bobbing his head, hoping he hadn’t lost his technique. 

“Stevie, god- I’m gonna- I’m there.” Bucky warned, letting Steve pull up and continue with just his hand. It wasn’t long until Bucky went off, muffling himself in his hand as Steve caught as much as he could in his hand. 

Bucky caught his breath and they shuffled until they were facing each other lying on their sides. 

“I missed you so much,” Steve whispered. “Did any of my letters get through?”

“Some, but I was missing some.” Bucky replied. “They helped a lot.” 

“Good.” Steve sad. “And don’t you ever think that I’d cheat on you, Buck. I’d never do that.” 

“Okay.” Bucky said with a small nod. “I’m sorry for doubting you.” Steve shook his head, kissing Bucky softly. 

“Just don’t do it again.” 

-

It was harder to hide it from the Commandos. They’d share tents, wash together, and Steve quickly ran out of excuses. So he told them. 

Bucky had been terrified for him, but these men had followed him out of hell then back in. He gave them a very brief, not entirely accurate breakdown, saying he hoped they’d all still be happy to work under him. 

The Commandos said yes, of course. This was their Captain, they’d agreed to follow, they weren’t gonna turn around because of a small “abnormality” between the legs. 

The acceptance led Bucky to hold Steve’s hand in relief, leading to an entirely different discussion with the Commandos in which they revealed, yes, they had noticed Barnes sneaking into Steve’s bed roll occasionally, and no they were afraid of a pair of queers in their group. 

Steve felt spectacularly lucky, all the way up to asking Bucky to get onto that train.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for this chapter:  
> Cissexism


	15. Beginning anew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there
> 
> This is it.  
> I'm sorry it took a while, but I didn't want this to be rushed among me moving back and forth. I hope you like it, I hope it's a good enough ending.  
> Do check the end for potential TWs
> 
> Thanks for reading, the whole thing, you're the best

The modern world had an awful lot to offer. Steve saw celebrities like him, help groups, forums, doctors. 

SHIELD’s medical insurance was, well, interesting. They thought they were prepared for almost everything, but this seemed to be a first.

“I’ve done my research.” Steve said, pushing some printed webpages over to Fury.

“I can see that.” Fury replied. “I just don’t know what I can do for you.”

“I’d perform more consistently.” Steve said. “No dysphoria. I’m costing you enough in therapy, they’ve agreed that this would help my mental condition.” He parroted the word to Fury. He knew he could cope in the body he had, but now he didn’t have to. There had to be an upside to being woken up in this decade.

“You’re over performing already.” Fury said. “And you’d be out for recovery.”

“I recover fast.” Steve said. “You know I don’t have any money of my own, SHIELD provides everything I have apart from the few things I got from the museum. I have no other way to pay for this.”

“What exactly do you want?” Fury asked.

“Hormone replacement therapy. Top surgery as soon as possible.” Steve said. “A hysterectomy whenever I can get a week off to recover. I need more time to think about genital reassignment.” He made sure his face stayed blank, there was no way he could get this out of Fury if he was squirming in embarrassment. He met Fury’s stare, not balking. “My therapist agrees with all of it, she’ll refer me to a doctor.” 

“I’ll see what I can do.” Fury said.

-

“We had a donation.” Fury said. “It’s enough for the surgery you want, as well as enough in case you decide on more.” 

“Who knew about what I’d asked for?” Steve asked, wary of any sudden charity.

“They didn’t wish to be named.” Fury said. “But they’re someone who doesn’t understand the words Top Secret.” 

“Did they ask for anything in return?” Steve asked.

“No,” Fury said. “Just that the money could only be used for your transition.” 

“Well tell them I’m grateful.” Steve said. “I accept.”

-

Steve recovered quickly as he’d thought he would. He was still holding off on the genital reconstruction, it felt like something he’d accepted a long time ago, but losing his menstrual cycle had been like a weight off his mind. There wasn’t much more muscle mass he could put on, but the testosterone did help him lose the last few bits of femininity that had still been clinging on. 

When he returned to briefings, he didn’t know if others would be able to tell the difference or if it was all in his head. No one mentioned it, he hadn’t exactly told anyone apart from Fury, except Tony.

As he walked into the room, he was immediately taken to the side by the billionaire.

“You’re looking good Cap,” he said in his completely unsubtle way.

“Um, thanks.” Steve said, not sure if Tony knew. “I guess the time away was good for me.” 

“Sure,” Tony said, his smile giving the impression he knew everything whether he did or not. “I mean I’m surprised to see you back, chest must hurt like crazy.”

“How would you know about that?” Steve asked, voice lowering significantly. 

“Well I don’t really agree with the words Top Secret.” Tony said. “And the whole dad situation means I had access to a lot of your files. When I saw the request I could hardly resist.” 

And with that he just smirked and went to sit down, as if this was something he did every day. Steve had to follow, the meeting starting up. As soon as he could, he caught Tony’s eye and mouthed “Thank you”.

-

Watching Bucky fall had seemed like the hardest thing Steve would ever do. There was nothing else he could even imagine that would be worse than that. But here in the 21st century, Steve knew there was so much worse.

He’d had to fight against Bucky, almost getting both of them killed in the process. He read through the file Nat had got him, heart ripping to shreds as he saw what they’d done to his best friend. He’d searched for so long, but found nothing.

Then Bucky came to him.

It hadn’t been easy, but from the moment that Steve saw Bucky curled up on his couch, looking like he hadn’t showered or eaten in weeks, Steve knew he’d do anything to help him.

It was a slow road to recovery. Bucky didn’t like shouting or going outside by himself, but his memories did come back slowly.

“You were a girl.” Bucky said once, looking up from his half eaten plate of pasta.

“Um…” Steve said, biting his lip. “Well, in some way, yes.” He didn’t know how well Bucky would understand if he tried to explain.

“I remember. You told me you were a boy even though you looked like a girl.” Bucky continued. “Then you started looking like a boy.”

“Yeah,” Steve said. “You helped me, made sure everyone thought I was a boy.” 

Bucky seemed satisfied with that, he’d done something good.

-

“We used to be together, didn’t we?” Bucky said softly. Steve knew he’d remember eventually, and there was no point in hiding it. 

“We were,” Steve said with a nod. “For a long time.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Bucky asked, not angry, just curious. 

“I wanted you to remember for yourself.” Steve said. “And I didn’t want you feeling like I expected anything from you.” 

“I know you don’t.” Bucky said. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t.” 

“Bucky, you-“

“I can make my own decisions.” Bucky said resolutely. “And I want to take you on a date.” 

Steve’s posture softened, and he smiled up at Bucky. 

“Really?” He asked. “Like dinner or something?”

“Anything we want.” Bucky said. “But I can finally take you on a real date, and I’m not going to miss the opportunity.”

They ended up going to a restaurant that Tony recommended, somewhere where the paparazzi wouldn’t try to follow Steve. Bucky wasn’t a criminal, that had been decided by SHIELD before they’d even found him, but it was still best to keep their faces out of the papers.

At the end of the night, Bucky gave him a soft kiss. They worked it up slowly, Bucky not quite used to doing this and Steve a little out of practise. Slowly, they built their relationship on all memories and new experiences. Their kisses became deeper, longer, during any evening they spent together. 

One night, when Bucky’s hand was tracing the planes of Steve’s back, he pulled upwards slightly at Steve’s shirt. Steve broke the kiss, looking at him. 

“Is that okay?” Bucky asked quickly. “I mean, it’s…” He swallowed a little, worry in his eyes.

“It’s okay.” Steve whispered. “I just… No. It’s okay.” He smiled a little uncertainly, pulling his shirt over his head. He had no scarring as such, the serum had taken care of that, but it was still a little obvious that something had been done. 

Bucky looked up at him, lifting his hand and seeing if Steve would flinch away. When he didn’t, Bucky raised his flesh hand to rub of Steve’s pectoral muscle.

“It’s not soft anymore.” He said quietly. Steve smiled a little. 

“I had an operation.” He said. “They took my breasts and womb out.” He had no idea how Bucky would react, but the brunet beamed.

“They can do that?” He asked. “You’ve wanted that for a long time.” He leaned up to kiss Steve softly. “I’m happy for you.” He whispered. 

“I’m happy for me too,” Steve whispered back. 

-

“I got you pregnant.” Bucky said suddenly. Steve opened his eyes, looking over at the clock. They’d only been in bed five minutes. They’d started sharing shortly after Bucky arrived, the nightmares making it hard for him to sleep. Steve had sung to him until he’d passed out a few nights in a row, and now Bucky didn’t even bother to head to the spare room.

“A long time ago.” Steve mumbled, rubbing his eyes a little. “Want to talk about it?” Is was good to talk about the more confusing memories, help Bucky understand them without forcing him to fill in the blanks himself. 

“You never had the baby.” Bucky said softly, looking up to Steve for explanation.

“I was never going to.” Steve said. “I was going to have it removed, it wasn’t safe and neither of us wanted a child. But nature took care of it and it got rid of itself.” 

Bucky nodded a little, slowly filing that in his mind. He frowned a little, before relaxing back again. 

“That’s good.” He said. 

“It was.” Steve said softly. “Saved us a lot of time and money.”

“And you can’t get pregnant now?” Bucky checked. “Because they took your uterus.” 

“That’s right,” Steve said with a small smile. “Not that we need to worry about that, not for a while. But if that does happen, then there’s no way I can get pregnant.” 

Bucky kissed his forehead softly. He’d picked that up from Steve, a gesture of comfort. 

“Good.” He whispered, smiling a little.

-

“What are you reading?” Bucky asked. 

“It’s a news report.” Steve said.

Bucky had improved a lot, becoming a lot more natural with communicating. He went outside by himself occasionally, but still preferred Steve to be there. 

“What’s it about?” Bucky asked. 

“Apparently they’re defunding Planned Parenthood.” Steve said. 

“And what does that mean,” Bucky asked, pouring himself a cup of coffee before coming to join Steve on the couch. 

“It’s a health clinic, they deal with reproductive health mostly. I got a lot of information from them about my hysterectomy.” Steve said, frown firmly on his face. “Apparently people are against them.” 

“Against health care?” Bucky asked. “Why?”

“They help organise abortions.” Steve said, scrolling back up so Bucky could read the top of the report. “People don’t like that.”

Bucky read through the site quickly, getting to parts where people were speaking out about the subject.

“You should say something.” Bucky said. “Say how they helped you.” 

“Buck…” Steve bit his lip a little. “That would mean telling the whole world why I needed a hysterectomy, that I had a uterus in the first place.” 

“Well,” Bucky said softly. “Maybe it’s the right time. It might help other people like you.” 

Steve hadn’t thought about that before. He thought back to when he was growing up, thinking he was the only person in the world like he was. Maybe it would be worth the fear, the backlash, just to help kids out there who think they’re the only ones. 

-

“Well they’re not talking about planned parenthood any more.” Bucky said, flicking through various social media sites. “You’re trending on twitter, #transcap.” 

Steve had almost not done it. He’d been ready to back out at any moment. But Bucky had been there, reminding him why he was doing this the whole time. He’d given an interview to a small news broadcaster, someone who hadn’t expected Captain America to call up and say there was something he’d like to talk about.

It had been recorded by one camera and transcribed by one man, but now it was everywhere. 

“Oh god,” Steve said, breathing as slowly as he could. He couldn’t take it back now. He made eye contact with Bucky, who quickly went back to typing. 

“I’m so proud of Captain Steve Rogers. It’s hard to come out to your family, never mind the world #transcap.” He said. “Captain Steve Rogers shows us all that bravery is not just on the battlefield #transcap.” Steve looked up at him, frowning a little. 

“Buck, what are you-“

“My parents haven’t talked to me since I told them I was trans, but they always loved Captain America. Sucks to be you dad #transcap.” Bucky continued. “Steven Rogers coming out as trans and bisexual has made it a little easier to be both myself. Thank you #transcap.”

“Bucky-“

“Captain Rogers not only shining a light for trans rights, but reproductive healthcare. We don’t want to go back to the 30s. #transcap #Shoutyourabortion.” 

Steve watched as Bucky reeled off tweet after tweet. Some people talked about growing up being trans, some talked about his confirmation of his relationship with Bucky, some applauded him speaking out in support of Planned Parenthood and being honest with his own experiences of pregnancy. He’d covered as much as he could in the interview, blurting out things that came to mind whenever he was asked a question, but to hear each part having an effect, there were tears in his eyes. 

“Being trans doesn’t mean your story has to be a tragic one. I wish Steve and James all the happiness in the world. #transcap #loveconquersall .” Bucky finished, putting the tablet down. “Don’t listen to the news Stevie, listen to them. Listen to all those people. They’re the ones that matter.” He came over to Steve, looking him straight in the eye. “They’re the ones you’ve made a difference to.” 

Steve smiled a little, wiping his eyes before he could do anything silly like cry. He nodded, taking a deep breath. Bucky was right, those were the people he’d done this for. 

“Would it be selfish to ask you to read more?” Steve asked quietly. 

“Not at all,” Bucky said with a grin. He kissed Steve briefly, going back to grab his tablet. He started up reading more, and Steve even replied to some. 

It had been a small thing to do, but ultimately the size didn’t matter. Steve wasn’t broken, he wasn’t wrong or perverted. He was him, a few altered bits, a few enhanced bits. He’d been through a lot to get to where he was, as much luck as skill, if not more. He had titles and honours and all that jazz, but right now he was, as he always had been, just a boy called Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for this chapter:  
> FtM surgery, discussion of abortion/miscarriage, coming out


End file.
